The Importance of Girlfriends

"One of the best things a man can do for his health is to be married to a woman, whereas for a woman, one of the best things she can do for her health is to nurture her relationships with her girlfriends."  --Head of Psychiatry at Stanford University

This was a quote that I found on an article posted by my friend, Karin.  And, oh, how true it is.  The lecturer that was speaking said that men focus mostly on activities, but that women regularly talk about their feelings and their inner-most thoughts.  And it is those connections that make us feel better.  There are actually studies that show that our level of seratonin (the chemical that makes us feel good) increase when we spend time with girlfriends--as much as they increase when you exercise.  

I get it.  I've experienced it.  And I need it.  

I'm still going through a pretty tough time.  Or, really I should say that my boys are--both mentally and physically.  And the result is a stressed and bummed out mom.  But I feel like with all my challenges and all those of my boys has made me quite the Debbie Downer--I'm tired of how down I feel; I imagine that my friends are pretty tired of it too.  But they don't have to live with my Debbie Downer as much as I do.  And maybe even that me in a down mood is still something that they like to hang around.  And lord knows that I need it, so I'm reaching out.  The truth is, I don't really need to--they find me.  I have evenings planned all this week with good friends.  I'm so blessed.

It's a good thing.  I need some seratonin.   

People...people who need people...

Somehow we've come to equate success with not needing anyone. It's as if we've divided the world into "those who offer help" and "those who need help." The truth is we are both.  –Brene Brown

So I have been in therapy for much of this past year—learning what I need to learn, healing what I need to heal and sometimes just blowing off steam.  The interesting thing about me is that I keep walking into my therapist’s office and try to convince her how well I’m doing.  I tell her how well I’m coping with things and try to highlight some of the healthy actions I’ve taken that week.  Yes, I get the irony and absurdity of this.  She’s there to help me with the parts that are hard, the things that aren’t going well and to be a support to me as I learn more about myself.  But I’m still looking for that parental approval; someone to tell me that I’m “doing well.” 

Well, not this week.  No, this week I went in and told her how it is.  My kids are falling apart, both physically and emotionally.  My wasband continues to make parenting decisions that drive me crazy.  And I just came off a weekend with an old friend that could only be described as emotionally exhausting.  I’m a pile of mush, actually. 

The quote from Brene Brown has been my great challenge and struggle of this year.  I’ve had to learn that I don’t have to be strong all the time.  I have also learned that I don’t have to help all the time; sometimes I’m worthy of receiving help.  And I definitely have fallen into the category of needing help.  I feel like the scale has totally tipped to the other side lately and I’m wondering when I’ll be offering help more than I’m needing help.  But I think in my lifetime, the scale has mostly been tilted the other way so I’m probably due.  The truth is, that I’m both.  I’m trying to embrace both. 

"Apparent" Failure

Apparent failure may hold in its rough shell the germs of a success that will blossom in time, and bear fruit throughout eternity.   --Frances Ellen Watkins Harper, 1825 – 1911

This quote hit me for several reasons.  I loved the word “apparent” before failure.  Apparent—how something appears at a given time.  I’ve had time over the last 14 months where I’ve thought of the separation and divorce as failure.  I’ve also seen it as an incredible success.  I’ve decided that thinking of it as a failure only makes me feel bad.  But seeing it as the success doesn’t give the due to the sadness and regret that comes along with the process.  But thinking of it as an apparent failure helps make that sense—it is how it appears in that MOMENT.  It is TEMPORARY. 

But I also love the rest of this quote, because that is what I’ve found true more than any truth through this process.  In the destruction of one thing, the seeds of new life are germinated.  And while what was lost will last throughout my life, so will what is gained. 

What has germinated for me? 

·         The seeds of amazing new friendships. 
·         The changes, growth, opportunities and satisfaction in my career that a person can only dream of. 
·         A sense of self that excites me—I can’t wait to see what kind of flower this seed is going to become. 

The destruction of the rough shell happens very quickly.  It flames and burns with a quick intensity.  But the germinating of a seed….and the blossoming of a flower, are a slow, gradual, evolving and gentle process.  And while the seed just germinates one, the blossom comes back over and over again.  And the results are so beautiful and fragrant. 

Be Still in the Midst of Activity

You must learn to be still in the midst of activity, and to be vibrantly alive in repose. --Indira Gandhi, 1917 – 1984

[Editor's note:  This was written  4 days ago but wasn't posted.  I hope you like the sentiments because they're already gone...]

These last two weeks have been quite unique for me for several reasons.  First of all, I’ve had no trips out of town for two weeks straight.  This, unfortunately, is a long stretch for me lately.  And I’ve had the kids for over a week of that time.  (We try to go 3-4 days at a time, but Robb had the kids for a week at a time while I’ve been out of town and he was kind enough to let me do that this time).  Eric has been home sick with mono and is feeling miserable.  And Kyle is stressed about school, college (his first SATs were Saturday) and life in general.  And there was at least one behavioral issue that had to be dealt with during that time. 

So why was it that I THOROUGHLY enjoyed those two weeks?  It was because I wasn’t letting the negatives impact me.  Instead, I was enjoying acting like a “normal” family.  At least our new normal as a different kind of family.  I cooked dinner each night and we sat down and ate it together.  Long talks would ensue some nights at the end of dinner.  Some of them were rough conversations, but some of them were silly and full of laughs.  I think this is what normal is supposed to feel like, even though I don’t experience it all that often.  And I just enjoy my kids that much that I looked forward to coming home to them. 

This quote by Indira Ghandi really struck me as how I was feeling during this time.  Our lives our busy.  I don’t think my friends without kids or full-time jobs or travelling jobs can understand what it is like for me to have all three of those things.  It’s a whirlwind of activity and a constant juggling.  But dare I hope that I’m finding the way to be vibrantly alive in repose?  I’m breathing on the upbeats, creating a syncopation all my own. 

Goal: Be alone in a quiet room

All men’s mis­eries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone.’ ~Blaise Pas­cal

Being alone in a quiet room is one of the most profound ways to discover you're never alone.—Adam Hansen

For many of my good friends, I’ve become a source for personal goal-setting and accountability for personal growth.  It is not uncommon for people to schedule a lunch to set personal goals, go over resumes, plan job changes or other activities that I lump under “coaching.”  I’m not certified and sometimes I don’t even feel qualified, but being a professional Facilitator and being naturally non-judgemental has given me enough of the skills and mindset to be helpful. 

So last week I was at such a luncheon with my friend Joan helping her figure out her personal and professional goals for 2012.  At the end of the lunch, she casually asked me what my goals were for 2012.  She figured, as she should, that of course I would have already taken care of them.   

I was shocked and amused to realize that I hadn’t.  But then after a few seconds, I realized that I actually had—I just hadn’t written them down.  But it is almost as if I am INCAPABLE of NOT setting goals.  So I had done them as intentions, as thoughts, but really they were goals. 

Of course, I had my professional ones all mapped out.  To sell $X of projects, to roll out a new program and to sell it to at least one other major client.  I know how many project days I’m hoping to work and how much that will translate to in income.  Done. 

Personally, I was initially at a loss until I realized that I had also set those goals.  I had made a new years intention “for my work life to be challenging and rewarding but my personal life to be boring and average.”  And I had set other things in motion as well.  So here are my personal goals for 2012:
·         Do not date—take another year getting to know myself and being the stability for my children.
·         Do a half marathon by end of February 2012
·         Do at least one triathlon in 2012, but ideally two. 
·         Have one night a week be a quiet, boring, at home evening. 
·         To not have more than six projects in motion at one time.  Before starting a new project, I must complete one of the old ones. 
·         Lead at least two services at church in 2012.
·         Write two blog posts a week. 

Except for the half-marathon, that is pretty average and boring for me.  But the one I’m most excited about is having one night where I just sit and do nothing.  Just hang out.  Watch tv if I want (but I probably won’t).  Read, meditate, journal, just chill—whatever.   After I left last year, I found that this alone time was my most valuable.  As I’ve gotten away from that chaotic time, I’ve forgotten to do it as often.  This is one way of bringing it back.  I can’t wait to get on those goals!

Facebook: Real or False Connection?

Our innate need for connection makes the consequences of disconnection that much more real and dangerous. Sometimes we only think we're connected. Technology, for instance, has become a kind of impostor for connection, making us believe we're connected when we're really not--at least not in the ways we need to be. In our technology crazed world, we've confused being communicative with feeling connected. Just because we're plugged in, doesn't mean we feel seen and heard.   ~ Brené Brown

I’ve been thinking about the sentiment behind this quote for while now.  It’s basically around Facebook.  I LOVE Facebook.  I love finding witty things to say and reading other people’s witty comments.  It’s an outlet for my creativity and sense of humor.  It’s allowed me to reconnect with people who were important to me—or people who weren’t that important to me, but now I’m rediscovering that I life them.  It gives me a quick break in a busy day to do something mindless.  It gives me news that reinforces my political views and bits of trivia that can be useful in a conversation.  It has given me the chance to find great friends in one-time acquaintances. 

But is it really connection?  The truth is that people think they’re close to me by reading my posts but they don’t see my deepest hurts and pains unless I want them to.  I feel like I know them, but I don’t really. 

This came into focus for me a couple of weeks ago when an old sorority sister saw on Facebook that I was going to be in San Francisco and offered to meet me for breakfast.  We haven’t talked in over 20 years and we weren’t best friends in college.  But I enjoy her posts on Facebook and I was eager to catch up.  Well, it turns out that we have much in common and I enjoyed connecting with her (a real connection, not a post) more than I probably enjoyed her even in college. 

Facebook isn’t a replacement for real connection and I need to remind myself that it is not filling that hole (or look to it to try to fill that hole).  I've actually decided that for lent, I'm going to "give up" Facebook as a discipline to see if I can learn more about this question--to see how much of a stand-in it has been for real connections. 

Until then, I will continue to struggle with this.  The question that is more appropriate is “Is it connection or is it just a connection point that can lead to a real connection?”  I think it is the latter--it is the seed of information or humor that I can use to turn it into a real connection.   

Finding Peace Amidst The Chaos

Interestingly, people who manifest peace internally are not different from us; they have chattering thoughts and troubled emotions like we all do. The difference is that they do not lend their energy to them, so those thoughts and feelings can simply rise and fall like the waves of the ocean without disturbing the deeper waters of peacefulness within.   –Daily OM

So it’s been a few weeks since I’ve written, but I’m not gone.  Just taken a little holiday hiatus.  But things are good.  Actually, they’re still pretty messed up:  One kid has mono, both kids have been caught doing things they weren’t supposed to within the last few weeks, my wasband’s dating life is still impacting us all, some close friends and family members have been going through very dramatic life challenges and I’ve been traveling too much.  But besides that, it’s all good.

Actually, I really am good right now.  I got this quote above from one of my Daily Om postings.  Some of them are way out there but sometimes they are just perfect—as this one was.  I was reminded that peace is not something you wait for or you hope comes to you.  It is something you always have inside of you if you are just willing to stop the chaos in your head and find it. 

Believe me, with all the chaos going on in my life, I’ve done a lot of practicing of how to get involved in it, caught up in it and bothered by it.  But, guess what—that doesn’t change one single thing.  It is all there—it is just making me crazier.  By not lending my energy to it, I find that silver thread in the middle of all the gray threads (hard to find, but when you do find it you realize how much it glitters) and you hold onto that.  That silver thread is peace and happiness.  No one else gives it to me and I don’t find it at the end of a journey.  It is always there for me to access whenever I want it. 

We’ll all come out of this alright and we’ll go through this the way we’re supposed to go through it.  In the meantime, I’m just breathing and finding my peace.  The silver thread amidst the braid.  Ahhhh…..