What To Call This Kind of Parenting?

The fastest growing parenting demographic: 6.9 million women in the United States are raising their children alone after divorce today.  --2009 US Census Bureau

There are SO many people who talk about single parenting after a divorce.  What is it that you call what I'm doing?  Kyle's with me full time and Eric splits his time between his Dad and I.  I'm not a single parent because I'm lucky enough to have their other parent is still involved in their parenting.  But I am not necessarily parenting WITH him in the same way that I did when I was married.  I am 100% responsible for my own finances, home, groceries, errands.  And I do take the lead on most of the kids activities, knowing their friends, initiating new adventures, etc.  But I'm not a "single parent." 

What could you call me?  "A single parent to one child and a split parent to the other"?  "A divorced parent who splits her time, but not her energies"?  I think that "Single Co-Parent" probably works best. 

It is true that my energies have been definitely focused on my kids since the divorce.  My work has noticed.  My friends have noticed.  My kids have noticed (one likes it and the other wishes I'd maybe be a little bit less in his business).  I have concerns about it, but I don't have regrets--it is absolutely what I need to be doing right now. 

But the feeling that I'm doing it "on my own" (see all the caveats above) is a bit overwhelming after all these years.  And it feels somewhat exhausting.  And a little bit empowering. 

SUUSI--Coming Back Open-Hearted

When we simply allow ourselves to fully feel our feelings as they come, we tend to let them go easily. This is all we are required to do; our feelings simply want to be felt. We often complicate the situation by applying mental energy in the form of analysis, when all we really need is to allow, as the earth allows the rain to fall upon it. As the rain falls, the earth responds in a multitude of ways, sometimes emptying out to form a great canyon, sometimes soaking it up to nourish an infinitude of plants. In the same way, the deeper purpose of our feelings is to transform the terrain of our inner world, sometimes creating space for more feelings to flow, sometimes providing sustenance for growth. All we need to do is allow the process by relaxing, opening, and receiving the bounty of our emotions. –Daily Om

So I just got back from a week of vacation.  I've been hearing about this place for years--SUUSI--The Southeast Unitarian Universalist Summer Institute.  I can talk about so many things about SUUSI (and maybe in other blog posts I will):

• About how great it was that my boys got their own dorm with other open-minded teens in a safe place to be who they were and be accepted fully for their awesomeness and to have the freedom and space to just be.
• About how high quality the music was--and how intimately I got to know the artists.
• About the gorgeous setting of Radford University, the peacefulness of reading under a tree and the beautiful hikes, falls, rivers and mountains there were nearby.
• About how this whole week was run by volunteers and how a camp for 1100 people felt better run than most corporate events I've seen.
• How high quality and just cool the workshops were--from ecstatic dance (my "stretch" workshop for the week), to poetry writing, to yoga and great hikes. 

But instead, I want to focus on just how I FELT after SUUSI.  This was an intentional community for one week that made my heart just burst right open.  It was a group of people who were so incredibly excited to be there and who just couldn't wait to share this time and space with each other.  It was a group who knew they were "home" and made you feel like you were with long-lost friends, even if you had just met.  By the concert on Monday Night of Brother Sun (great instrumentalists, but their amazing vocal talents are highlighted on this video), I felt my heart just opening.  The conversations with people there were just more real and authentic and everyone was just "fuller."  And every activity and every encounter just made that richer. 

You know that expression "dance like no one is watching?"  Well I did that at the evening dances.  I got to Contra Dance for the first time in 10 years and it just made my heart swell and I was grinning for the entire three hours.  I lost myself in ecstatic dance--a highlight of my week--where you just let your body feel the music and do what it wants to do, without an agenda or concern about what you "should" be doing or what anyone else thinks.  When we took a break, I looked and saw that I had been dancing for an hour and it felt like just 20 minutes.  And that was just the three dancing examples. 

Thank you SUUSI--as someone who is trying to live a more whole-hearted life, thank you for showing me how that feels. 

I See You and You are Amazing

What did we ever do before Facebook memes?  I love quotes.  I love them so much that I made them the structure around which I made this blog. 

I just saw this one:

And it represents SO MUCH of what I'm going for here. 

I want people to SEE ME.  All of me--my beauty and my warts.  I want people to see my good deeds and all the times I screw up.  My kindness and my selfishness. 

Here are a few things that touch me and show me that you see me:
*  When I say something obscure and small and you actually remember it and reference it in a future conversation.  I know this sounds obvious, but it means you were really listening.  And what I said was important enough that you saved some long-term memory storage for it.  It's really a big compliment. 
*  When I say something--and you want to know more.  You ask questions, you dig further.  You don't just immediately tell me what YOU think, you ask to know more about what I think.  It means that you're interested in my thoughts and feelings as more than just jump-starters for your own.
*  When you haven't heard from me in a while and you randomly reach out to say hi and see if I'm okay.  What that means is that you've noticed the hole in your life where you see me being and you miss me.  And that you care what is happening to me. 

And, oh do I want to see you too.  I'm sometimes too absorbed in wanting you to see me to do that.  And sometimes I'm working so hard to make you see me to do that.  Because I'm fallible and very human.  But I really do want to see you--all of you.  I want you to feel safe in showing me your warts, fears and pride. 

Wouldn't this world be such a better place if we could really see each other and let ourselves be seen.  I challenge each one of you to show one other person today that you see them. 

Not My Finest Moment

I try. I am trying. I was trying. I will try. I shall in the meantime try. I sometimes have tried. I shall still by that time be trying.  Diane Glancy, 1941 -

So last week I didn't have one of my finest moments.  During all of this post-divorce time, I've been trying to stick to the high road.  I've been trying to be compassionate and supportive. 

Basically, I know one couple who went through a divorce compassionately and it was so inspiring.  And it reflected really well on them. 

The majority of other people who I've known who have gone through this have gotten anger, and resentment into their hearts and it has reflected really badly on them.  As justified as it can be (and believe me, sometimes it is), those negative feelings just end up being poison for them and end up eating away at their real selves. 

I really have been working hard to make sure I'm part of the first group and not get sucked into the self-righteous (although alluring) second group. 

But lately some some of the poor choices by my wasband have really impacted me.  He and our eldest son are having relationship issues due to how Robb has handled himself since the divorce (and probably plenty of things before).  And Kyle's living with me full time now.  And I've been angry that Kyle is impacted like that and I was resentful about how I was impacted.  But what came out was self-righteousness.  And I didn't filter it. 

At dinner with a bunch of girlfriends (who were part of couple friends), I expressed some of those thoughts.  And IMMEDIATELY after, I felt bad.  And icky.  It made them uncomfortable and it made me less of who I was. 

Because the truth is that I'm thrilled to have Kyle with me.  The hardest part of the divorce is not having my kids with me every night.  And I'm sad for Robb and Kyle that they are struggling, but that is their struggle, not mine.  And my self-righteousness or anger or resentment can not help my son to build a better relationship with his dad.  And it only eats at me. 

So I am newly resolved to become that person again--the person who lives according to my values of love and acceptance.  Who eminates that and doesn't get caught up in the petty issues that are usually cover-ups for deeper emotions that we don't want to look at. 

50 Shades of Fun

If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it.

--Herodotus (484BC-430BC), The Histories of Herodotus

So this post is about the book Fifty Shades of Gray.  It's amazing to me how it is becoming the talk of the summer.  And I'm in the middle of reading them.  And I've been reading all the facebook posts and essays about them.

 

Let me be perfectly clear: 

• I'm a feminist. I believe that women are amazing, capable of anything and everything and that, if given the chance, they could run the world better than men.
• I'm against abuse of women of any kind.  I've seen my share of it (actually more than my share it seems lately) and abuse can not and should not be tolerated in any form: emotional, physical, sexual. 
• I was an english major.  I appreciate good writing and interesting use of the language. 

Based on all that, I should HATE Fifty Shades of Gray.  It's poorly written and has the same phrases used over and over again.  It is an abusive relationship--filled with a man who only knows how to dominate women and a woman who lets her sexual desire trump her common sense and thinks violence is hot. 

BUT I DON'T hate it; I really am enjoying it.  Loosen up people.  It's fun.  It's silly.  It's escapist.  I'm enjoying it immensely.  I don't want to put it down and it is a great little retreat from this crazy world of mine. 

I think we need to give the women who are reading this a little more credit.  I don't think that reading this book is more likely to make me get into an abusive relationship any more than reading the Twilight series made me want to get into a relationship with a vampire. 

Sometimes it is good not to take things so seriously.

 

(So excuse me as I go back--I'm on book two and they're about to go into the playroom again.  I'm really hoping that they use those balls in her "sex" along with two or three of the whips!) 

Road Trip Delight

I am a stranger to half measures. With Life I am on the attack, restlessly ferreting out each pleasure, foraging for answers, wringing from it even the pain. I ransack life, hunt it down. I am the hungry peasants storming the palace gates. I will have my share. No matter how it tastes.   --Marita Golden, 1950 -

Kyle and I just came back from a four day monster road trip.  It was supposed to be a weekend roadtrip to Nashville to see a concert for his birthday.  But my son is like me and saw an opportunity for something bigger.  Like the quote, he wanted to ransack this road trip and ferret all the pleasures.  It started with an innocent comment he made, "you know, mom, Cincinnati is only 4 hours away from Nashville..."  So, we added two days and a trip to Cincinnati to our agenda. 

What is so remarkable about the trip was how unremarkable it was.  We settled into two hour shifts of driving.  We negotiated the music.  We ate as much as we could from what we brought and stayed on a budget for the rest.  We helped the other person out when they were driving by grabbing waters, changing the iPod music, checking the directions.  We used our please and thank yous.  We got on each others' nerves slightly and then backed off.  We stopped when we needed to and whoever didn't need to pee pumped the gas. 

Really, I think I just got schooled on how to be in a comfortable relationship by my son. 

Roadtrips were never like this with Robb.   To be fair, he really wasn't a fan.  But he was so worried about making good time and crazy drivers and backed up traffic that the any trip with him was stressful.  As a result, I just did any trips with the boys by myself.  And that's hard when you're the only driver.  But with a good teen driver, the equation changes. 

We also got a good reminder of some of the special people in our lives.  People who love us for who we are, not what we do or how often we see them.  We are so blessed to have people like that in our lives. 

So, I'm exhausted and delighted by the trip.  So off to bed...with a smile. 

My Perspective on Community

Friendship is a strong and habitual inclination in two persons to promote the good and happiness in another. - Eustace Budgell

[The following is a post that I wrote for my friend Heather Bowie's blog.  She asked other blogger friends to write about Community.  Since community has been such a huge part of my journey--and because I just jump into stuff--I said I'd write one!  I met Heather when we were living in Cincinnati and she was in the church choir that my wasband was directing.  He knew I'd love her and I immediately did.  She has an amazing energy, an enthusiastic approach to life--and she was a camp person.  We were around when she met her husband in a castle in Ireland and we sang at her wedding.  She has a wonderful blog about living with a son with an undiagnosed disability--or super power, as she calls it.  Please read and forward her blog-- http://teamaidan.wordpress.com/]

I've been blessed to have some wonderful communities in my life.  And the older I get and the more challenges I've faced, the more important those communities have become for me. 

The biggest thing I've learned about communities is that they lay in the tension between opposites:  giving and receiving; strength and vulnerability; attention and space and work and fun. 

My biggest community is through my Unitarian church.  We actually call ourselves the "Beloved Community."  While the words are slightly corny, the intent behind it is sincere and a focus of our attention.  It's not just a community; it's one that we love, nurture and value.  But I also have communities of good friends (a notable community of moms whose kids went to a Montessori school together about 8 years ago), work friends, and family members.

The biggest tension of opposites is that you need to both give and receive to make community work.  I've always understood the giving part.  I love being a leader in my church, helping others, teaching classes, leading services, initiating projects.  But I went through a divorce 18 months ago and I had to call on my community for help.  It took vulnerability (not my strong suit)  for emotional support (a shoulder to cry on) and functional tasks (will you help me move AGAIN?) but it was then that I realized how important it was to me.  And it was important to my friends to give back to me.  It sealed the mutual cycle of giving and receiving.  And being both strong and vulnerable within this gives us the space to be authentic. 

I have a busy life.  There have been times in my life that I've just disappeared from my community for a month or two.  But I realize how strong my community is when I come back.  I'm so grateful for the space that I can take and the welcome I receive when I come back.  I actually think it makes the community stronger.  It isn't a needy community--it has space for people to leave and come back.  But when they come back they reinstate the ties that made them strong in the first place. 

And finally, I think the best memories come from doing hard work together.  I know that the strongest connections have come from doing impossible things--or meaningful things--together.  We created the tightest community the years some friends and I put together a summer camp program for inner city kids--it was the impossible, impeccably done.   And even last week, our church community stepped up in a major way when a beloved member and pillar of the Orlando community died.  We hosted a beautiful funeral for over 500 people (when our sanctuary holds about 280), pulling together all the resources that a congregation can muster.  And it pulled us together in amazing ways because we wanted to show our love for Joe's wife and family.  It made me love these people even more and strengthened our community in a big way.

So, there are my thoughts.  Community through the tension of opposites.  It is work to create and maintain relationships.  But it is meaningful work and the rewards are some of the most important that you'll have in your lives.