The Collisions of My Worlds

I slip among classifications like water in cupped palms, leaving bits of myself behind. I am quick and deft, for there is no greater fear than the fear of being caught wanting to belong. I am a chameleon. And the best chameleon has no center, no truer sense of self and what he or she is in the instant. --Andrew X. Pham, 20th century writer

For some reason, I have always felt like a chameleon and this quote really resonates with me.  I've always had different parts of me that I keep pretty separated.  For a long time that was because I didn't think my different worlds would "get" each other or would approve.  This was somewhat based in reality in the early days of my career.  I worked with a very male, conservative sales organization in the 90s, where I was tolerated because I was smart, but they still were wary because I was a woman.  Mention anything about my extreme liberal leanings or earth-based belief systems and I would not have a job--I truly believed that (and still do believe it would have been the case). 

Much has changed.  Workplaces have more awareness of diversity and protections.  And of course, I changed.  Mostly, I changed where I worked.  I found a place where I could be more wholly myself (a pagan, divorced, bi-sexual, unitarian leftie?  Yeah, whatever).  But I still find myself protecting the boundaries between my different worlds.  In my mind, they were so different and I was worried about what would happen if they all met.  (Let me be honest, I was worried they might not all like each other--or that they'd find each other weird--or judge each other.  And then I didn't know what I'd do in that situation). 

So I kept my worlds separate:  My church world.  My mom friends (our kids went to school together).  My work world.  My family.  High school friends.  College friends.  And then a group of cool random friends that didn't fit into any category.   

But in this crazy last year, I've called on all of my friends and sometimes called on them to be together.  In one awesome ritual, I actually invited them to join together with me (and then proceeded to freak out that they were together).  And then the most amazing thing happened--they started having relationships with each other!  My best church friends started doing triathlons with my best mom group friend.  My best Ohio friend came to visit and I took her to meet my church friends.  The world didn't end--it just got better by introducing all these awesome people together. 

So part of me living more a more integrated life is also letting my worlds be more integrated.  After all, it was all of my doing to keep them separate.  And that takes energy that isn't necessary.  I think of it as doing my friends a favor by introducing them to other cool people in my world. 

A Little Breathing Room.

Sometimes what's needed most is a little breathing room.  --Sage Cohen

I get different daily affirmations sent to my e-mail every morning.  Some of them are totally worthless, but I'll deal with them in order to every once in a awhile get the message that I need to hear that day.  Sometimes I need to hear it because it helps remind me of what I need and sometimes it helps me see things from a new perspective.  Sometimes, it just helps me get an AHA!  And I'm a girl who loves the Aha moments!  They make me feel like I'm actually learning, progressing, improving.  (Don't get me started on how I often need those aha moments over and over again--just let me think that there is forward movement, please). 

Last week, I got a message about Breathing Room.  The message that it was saying was basically that sometimes we just need a little breathing room--some time to step back, give ourselves some space and just to reflect and breathe.  But my Aha! was different.  I got to see that right now WAS my breathing room in some senses.  It is the time AFTER the great chaos (again, please send energy that chaos is done).  But it is the time BEFORE the next chapter or relationship.  Right now, I see this time as a time of upheaval and settling in.  But in several years, I'll be able to look back and I bet I'll see this as the "time between."  The time that I got to connect with the kids, that I got to work on myself, and the time that I could breathe after what happened, but before the (hopefully wonderful) next stage. 

Who knows whether that will be true, but it feels good to re-frame what is happening now as just that space between.

I'm Not Afraid of Storms...

I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship.  --Louisa May Alcott

Every once in a while, I need to remember how far I've come.  The truth is, I'm still exhausted.  Actually, I just realized that the word exhausted has the word exhaust in it.  Becuase that is what it feels like.  I feel like we're still dealing with the exhaust from the divorce.  The new living conditions, the things that fall through the cracks when kids are between homes, the pretty massive challenges that the kids have been through and the just getting used to new lives--with Robb going back to school and me staying home more.  All that exhaust makes me exhausted.

But I really do need to step back and look sometimes.  I had a friend recently tell me that sometimes I need to stand up on a chair (one without wheels, she recommended) and look out over everything to see the big picture and see what we've accomplished

• Robb and I have stayed friendly through all this.  Really, that's amazing.  Not once have we gotten to the point where we were bitter or mean.  
• We've co-parented as well as we possibly could expect--the biggest testament to that is that the kids know we talk every few days and that they can't play us against each other (they've tried and have seen that it doesn't work).
• I've made the adjustments I need for the better of my family--my work has shifted dramatically to benefit both the company and my family so I can stay home more and provide some consistency and stability.
• I've set up a whole new home in a short period of time.  A place that is safe, welcoming, full of crazy animals, good food and a comfy couch.  
• I haven't gone insane.  Really, I deserve a medal for that, right?
• I've built friendships and strengthened others.  I've learned to lean on friends (and can stand to get better at it still). 
• I've carried on family rituals in some cases and created new ones in others. 
• I'm still earning a living.  Really, I don't take that for granted.

I'm sure there's more.  And I'm sure that I wanted it to go faster and smoother.  But that's pretty good, actually.  I have much for which to feel proud.

The Day After Gay Days

Oh, the comfort—the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person—having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.  --Dinah Maria Mulock Craik, 1826 – 1887

So, I went to Gay Days yesterday.  I know you're all interested in what happened. 

Yes, I had a blast.

No, there were no hookups.
Yes, I'd recommend it to anyone.
No, I'm not unscathed--I'm quite hung over today.

I'd love to find a way to describe it.  It is like the most supportive parts of the Danskin triathlon, combined with the joy and freedom that comes with those most perfect vacations, combined with the confidence and pride that comes from that one day when you were skinny enough, had a good hair day and you had the cutest clothes on--all at the same time. 

The day started perfect with a 30 mile bike ride--9 of it with my three friends who are over 69!  One of them I helped get her new bike on Friday--so she could do a full triathlon.  How awesome is that!  I rode all the way downtown to meet them and back, so I had a long, long ride. 

Then my friends Nicki and Rachel went with me to the Gay Days sponsoring hotel and we got there around 2.  Here are some highlights:

• Our biggest priority was to get pictures for our friend--a 65 year old man who just came out about 2 months ago--who had to be out of town this weekend.  We went up to random strangers (cute ones) and told his story and asked if we could take their picture.  People were so generous.  And then one asked if they could do a video--we got videos of support and love.  We were making our friend's phone buzz with love, support and hilarity.  We got to share the evening with him and create a feeling and evening he'll never forget. 
• The expo was a whole lot of selling of random items, a little political activism and a lot of dog rescues.  But the highlight was the 18+ hall.  A bunch of leather, dildos, cock ashtrays (yes, you read that correctly).  And then the highlight--flavored lube that tastes so good that they were serving it over ice cream.  Yea, of course, I tried some!
• The pool parties were the focus of the hotel activities.  The women had their own pool, DJ and bar.  The highlight there was a couple--Diana and Heather.  They were between where we were seated and the bar.  So, of course, I was passing  by them often.  Every time I did, Diana made fun of me for being so covered.  I had a long sarong--the first time, she insisted that I fold it at least in half to show more leg.  The second time, she insisted that I take it off, and by the third time, she had me dancing with it in front of her.  The whole time, I'm looking at her wife Heather and making sure she's okay with this, at which she was just laughing hysterically.  Those two women made me feel beautiful, sexy and alive.  I met a beautiful woman named Jen who had wonderful words of encouragement for me whenever I start my journey. 
• There were women of ALL types and ages.  The hot, athletic 20-somethings up to the 60 year old very butchy women.  And, damn, they were all beautiful.  There really is a beauty to people who are relaxed, free and authentically themselves.  That is the main message I took from the day. 

We ended up getting a room, because all three of us were way to drunk to do anything else.  Who knows where I'll be next year at this time, but I'm thinking I'll want to get a room for the weekend and enjoy those delicious feelings for the whole weekend.

*For those of you reading this on an e-mail feeder, link to the blog page to see a few of the pictures and videos that we took for our friend.  Unfortunately, they're all of men because they were for him.  We didn't actually take any pictures of women, because we got to be there.  You'll have to join me next year to see them for yourself.   

Orlando is So Gay!

I seek this day an active wonder. An active wonder is the desperate need of my mind and spirit. The awareness of the unexplored and the untried until I find my way into their secret places, this I need and I seek. The illumination of wonder over my familiar landscape, revealing ordinary things, fresh glories, making manifest in my familiar heights and depths that which I have never known – this I need and I seek this day.  --Howard Thurman, 1899 – 1981

I am pretty sure that Howard Thurman was not thinking of exploring the way I'm thinking about it right now, but he's dead and I'm not. 

Orlando is ranked the second gayest city by the Advocate (http://news.advocate.com/post/15571734525/gayest-cities-in-america-2012).  The two things they mention are the Orlando Fringe Festival which was the last two weekends and Gay Days which is next weekend.  So, basically, right now is the high holy days of gayness here in Orlando. 

I've been out as a bi-sexual for many years.  And I'm still not entirely sure which way I'll swing when I choose my next relationship, but I'm hoping to at least experiment with the female persuasion.  Obviously, I've had experience in the male side, but I'm very green in the area of female relationships.  I'm actually not looking for a relationship now--my focus is on "dating" myself and keeping the kids stable.  But that doesn't mean that a girl can't do a little research and reconnaissance.  I'm a huge fan of the Fringe Festival (which I'd love whether it was gay or not--it's just that being gay makes it cooler).  But Gay Days is a whole foreign land for me.  So, I'm sticking my little toe in and am going to check it out this coming weekend. 

I'm very interested in the expo that they're having at the convention center.  They're touting it as the largest gay and lesbian expo in the country.  I'm just wondering what it will have there.  I've seen the list of past exhibitors--there are tons of dog rescue groups, Sea World and hotels and restaurants that sound like they are just standard for anyone.  There are the expected folks like PFLAG and HRC.  But there are also random titles like the Florida Gay Rodeo Association, Womenfest and Rainbow 411.  How can you not be intrigued with that!?  I really see it as an opportunity to just explore, take it in and learn something (and be amused). 

Then there are pool parties at the hosting hotel.  There are three different pool parties--one for the the men, one for the women and one for the bears (not enough room here to explain--google it).  I guess people just hang out at the pool, soak up the sun and meet people.  I'm just picturing myself sitting in the corner watching and being scared to do anything else--but I know I won't. 

I'm bringing my good friends Nicki and Rachel to help me--plus everything is more fun with them!  Send me your good energy and any pieces of advice!

Guilt--The Useless Emotion

I have no creative use for guilt, yours or my own. Guilt is only another way of avoiding informed action, of buying time out of the pressing need to make clear choices, out of the approaching storm that can feed the earth as well as bend the trees.   --Audre Lorde, 1934 – 1992

Boy, I sure have been exploring the guilt theme the last several months.  Actually I've been having as part of my psyche ever since I thought about leaving the marriage and exponentially after I really did and then atmospherically after the kids had their struggles after the divorce. 

Yes, I felt guilty for leaving.  Actually, no, I didn't feel guilty for leaving because I really felt like I needed to for my own (and Robb's) sanity.  I felt guilty that we couldn't make the marriage work.  I felt guilty that the kids' lives were turned upside down by absolutely no fault of their own.  I felt guilty that they had two homes and suitcases.  I felt guilty every time they left something important at the other home.  I felt guilty that they felt angry, sad, depressed.

I can LOGICALLY look at that guilt and say that it isn't serving ANYONE.  I see that my guilt doesn't actually take away any of their pain.  If anything, it robs them of the experience of having their own emotions by my assumption that I can take any of it own.  I also acknowledge that it can make me a less than perfect parent by trying to compensate for what they've lost with what they don't need.  But EMOTIONALLY, it is a harder sell for my heart.  Here's where I've landed on all this, with the help of some good friends.

• If I'm going to take this much credit for the bad that I've brought to them, then I need to take just as much credit for the good.  That they have two good homes (which I'm paying for both, thank you), a good education, a solid faith foundation, experience in sports/music/drama, that they have good morals and are good friends, and that the whole world of opportunities is open to them in ways that very few people have access.
• That the removal of guilt is related to Grace (another topic I've been exploring--worthy of several posts of its own).  If Grace is acceptance and love of who you are for just being who you are--not what you do--then guilt has no place.  I am where I am.  And my children are where they are.  And we are all loved and worthy of that, wherever we are.  And, oh, what a multi-layered onion that is...
• In the long run, this will serve my children well.  I am proof that it does not serve the child well to have the parents in a non-rewarding marriage.  I am hopeful and expecting that Robb and I will find healthier relationships in the future and can still show the kids how that can be done.  And we can model that you can change at any point--it is never too late to go after your bliss.  And we can show them that they are capable of going through great change and chaos and coming out stronger. 
• My guilt is a way of trying to live their pain for them.  In some ways, it is invalidating what they are feeling because I'm focusing on my own emotions of guilt.  I am striving just to be there with them in their emotions and let them feel them--not to take them on as my own.  They are not mine.  And Lord knows, I've got enough of my own--I really don't need theirs too.  They can handle theirs (with my help) and I can handle mine.  Guilt is just a sneaky way of trying to take theirs away from them. 
• Finally, they need me to be a solid, strong, foundational parent who can make the right decisions.  If I'm knee-deep in guilt, I'll make poor decisions, more lenient decisions or decisions based on emotion rather than rationality.  They need me to get over this guilt and just get on to being a good parent. 

So, consider that a little guilt-expunging ritual.  Guilt, be gone!

A Tangled Orchard of Imperfections

The mind I love most must have wild places, a tangled orchard where dark damsons drop in the heavy grass, an overgrown little wood, the chance of a snake or two, a pool that nobody fathomed the depth of, and paths threaded with flowers planted by the mind." --Katherine Mansfield

I have been slowly learning to love my imperfections. 

Please know that it hasn't gone right to love.  At first, I had to first look at them.  Then I had to learn not to feel bad about them (shame really is a useless emotion).  Then, to have a little compassion for them.  And from all that eventually comes love. 

I do have the wild mind, the tangled orchard, the overgrown woods, snakes and even some flowers.  Here are just a few of my imperfections that I love.

• I don't do small talk.  My friends have called me "Heavy, deep and real" for years because I go deep right away--little time for the chit chat.  I always felt bad for that before that I wasn't doing the "social talk" right; but now I just see it as refreshing.  Actually I see this in my youngest son as well and I LOVE it in him.
• I don't have a good sense of the lines of propriety.  My co-workers joke "oops--there's the line, she went over it."  Whether it's sex, politics, crude humor, whatever--I just go there.  But let's be honest...I'm just saying what you're thinking, aren't I?
• I don't tolerate petty things.  I don't necessarily stand up to it either, I just walk away.  I just don't want to spend my time on things that are insignificant.  I used to think of it as not having a backbone or not social.  Now I just see it as a good use of time.
• I'm not a big fan of conflict.  I'll need to work on how to manage this for the really important things within a relationship, but for most people, I'll let it go and just love you--deal with it.
• I'm affectionate and am a big fan of hugs.  I know some people have personal space issues, but I just don't care.  I'm going to hug you anyway.
• I like to be in charge.  Always have and probably always will.  I used to feel bad for being miss bossy-pants, but I find that most people like following me.  And I'm in a job where they do now and shit is getting done. 
• I come across pretty strong (You don't think so?  Did you just read the last six points?).  I'd like to be softer and more approachable and I'm working on that.  But some of my hardness has helped me to get where I am and I'm grateful for it.  I don't need it all now and could replace it with some vulnerability--give me some time to transition to that...

What are your wild places and tangled orchards?  How do they make up your wild and awesome garden?