Plenty of Music

I think I should have no other mortal wants, if I could always have plenty of music. It seems to infuse strength into my limbs and ideas into my brain. Life seems to go without effort, when I am filled with music.  --George Eliot, 1819 – 1880

Right now I'm tired of thinking about  my feelings, hard times, and other negative things on my blog.  I feel like some of my posts are real downers.  And while there is still drama and negative things happening, I just need a musical interlude. 

I found this quote on my daily feed from a Unitarian Universalist minister and it describes how I feel about music.  From my earliest days, I remember having a music soundtrack to my life.  Chicago was the band of my first boyfriend.  Asia was the band of the summer I left for Spain.  When I was in labor with Eric (a very fast process) all I was focused on was getting the music going.  Christmas isn’t a holiday until the Christmas music is playing.  And getting music wired into the house was one indulgence that I felt totally justified in having—it made me happy. 

When I turn on the music (and boy how my life has improved with Pandora), my blood pressure goes down.  I breathe better and I can just sit and be.  When the music is playing, I actually enjoy the chores of cleaning, laundry and bill paying.  I love putting my itunes on random and having songs from my past just show up and unveil a memory that I had long forgotten. 

In my crazy world, the moments I treasure are the ones where I can turn on the music and just sit in my red chaise and journal, think, rest or just be.  That’s the ideal, but having the music with anything makes my life better.

Coming Out Better on the Other Side

The encouraging thing is that every time you meet a situation, though you may think at the time it is an impossibility and you go through the tortures of the damned, once you have met it and lived through it you find that forever after you are freer than you ever were before. If you can live through that, you can live through anything. You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face… The danger lies in refusing to face the fear, in not daring to come to grips with it. If you fail anywhere along the line, it will take away your confidence. You must make yourself succeed every time. You must do the thing you think you cannot do.  --Eleanor Roosevelt


I just had a friend give me a piece of advice a couple of weeks ago:  If you want to feel better, listen to someone who has a story that is worse than yours.  Well, the last few weeks ago, I've heard a lot of stories worse than mine; some of the stories belong to people very close to me and they break my heart.  And I've decided that I'm not very fond of my friend's advice.  No, I don't feel better--I feel worse for them and my problems are still there as well. 

The interesting thing is that I'm mildly excited for my loved ones for having to go through these rough times as well.  Not in a sadistic way, but in the way that Eleanor Roosevelt describes.  Because, in my opinion, anyone who is worth their weight in salt will take a bad situation, live through it and come out the other side having learned something and use it to make their life better.   And while we're getting through the hard stuff, I can be there and see how awful it is.  But I can also look forward and see what growth and freedom that will come for these beautiful people for walking through the "tortures of the damned."  I'm confident that will be true for me and I'm even more confident that it will be true for them as well. 

Telling Our Story

"In order to deal with shame, some of us move awayby withdrawing, hiding, silencing ourselves and keeping secrets.  Some of move toward by seeking to appease and please.  And some of us move against by trying to gain power over others, by being aggressive, and by using shame to fight shame. 

Most of us use all of these--at different times with different folks for different reasons.  Yet all of these strategies move us away from our story.  Shame is about fear, blame and disconnection.  Story is about worthiness and embracing the imperfections that bring us courage, compassion and connection.  If we want to live fully, without the constant fear of not being enough, we have to own our story." --Brene Brown

Yes, this post is about Story.  I've always liked a good story.  I like hearing people's story because--whether they intend to or not--they reveal something about themselves.  And usually it helps me learn something about them and something about myself. 

Interestingly, it has been hearing other women's stories during this past year that has been the most helpful to me.  At times, I haven't know where or how to process my own emotions, feelings or story.  So hearing other people tell theirs gave me context, thoughts, and insights.  It was also refreshing to see what was under the facade we all show each other.  If the story is authentic, it gives me courage to be more authentic myself. 

There are certain circumstances when stories just naturally come out.  When I got engaged, I found people wanted to tell me their engagement stories.  I found out as soon as I was pregnant that women just LOVE to tell their pregnancy and childbirth stories.  When other things happen--the first visit to the emergency room with your kids, first European vacation, death of parents--people want to tell their own story because it made such an impact on them.  And I've found a new club--the divorced club.  People who have gone through it want to talk about it.  It changes them forever and they want to tell you what to expect, how they made it through and/or how awful their ex was to them. 

Normally, I'd shun away from that entirely.  But I'm learning that everyone has their journey and I've learned something from each one.  Sometimes it's only to recognize how very lucky I am in my journey.  I don't have abuse, bankruptcy, custody battles or harassment involved in my story.  Sometimes it's hearing how the story changed them.  And always, it is a sense of support and kinship. 

So, I will feel better about claiming my own story and telling it.  And hearing more stories.  I hope you can claim your story and can also share it with the world.  It helps you to have it; it helps the world for you to tell it.

Going Crazy

"No one can drive us crazy unless we give them the keys."

So what?  I'm going a little crazy.  Everyone goes through it, right? 

I realized today that I was on three continents and four cities in one week.  That should drive someone crazy right there.  But that's not what is driving me crazy.

I've been out of town or worked every single day for the last 15 days.  That should drive someone really crazy.  But that is not what is driving me crazy. 

Until last night, I hadn't bought a single thing for Christmas and still had a lot of gaps on my Christmas list.  That should drive me crazy, but it didn't. 

No, what is driving me crazy is something I didn't do.  Something I have no control over.  Something that impacts my children, but only impacts me through them (yes, that's significant, but it is not me--there is a difference, I'm learning).  Something that makes me mad and sad, but not the end of the world.  No, I'm letting it drive me crazy because I choose to.  And THAT, is crazy.  Yes, what is crazy is that it is driving me crazy. 

I am also choosing to expect that these holidays are going to be difficult and sad.  That's also a crazy choice.  Why would I choose that?  This is an attitude choice. 

So I am going to TRY to make a different choice.  I choose to:

• Make my own healthy choices that are in the best interest of me and my children.  And to make such good choices that they will maybe in some small way counteract any other choices that are affecting their lives negatively.
• Enjoy the holidays.  Don't stress.  Find joy.  Eat, drink and be merry.  Enjoy friends.  Laugh.
• Remember every day how incredibly lucky I am. 

Call me crazy, but I think I can do it. 

Anniversary of December 6th

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~ Anais Nin

Today marks the year anniversary that I left my marriage.  I didn’t know I was leaving it for good—I just knew I needed to get away for awhile to figure things out.  But I had a funny feeling that once I left I wouldn’t be coming back. 

The idea of leaving had first crossed my mind six years before.  At the time I felt like I had two options.

1.    Leave—but the idea of not being there for my young kids every day broke my heart—and made my bawl.
2.    Stay—and the idea of that made me cry even more. 

It turns out that remaining tight in the bud wasn’t painful enough yet.  Indeed, I wasn’t aware that for the next six years that I would go way deeper into that bud before I decided to risk blossoming. 

Things were bad, then they got worse, then they got better and then they got much better.  And we had couples counseling through much of it.  But slowly, I was losing more of myself, until I just couldn’t take it anymore. 

I wish I could go back to that time a year ago and watch it from an outsider’s perspective.  My head was engaged, because somehow I figured out the logistics of where to go, timing, and that I needed an inflatable mattress.  But the actions were being guided by my gut.  It was an impulse to leave.  It wasn’t impulsive—indeed I’d been moving there for years, months, weeks. 

I knew, at my core, that I was bigger than what I had become in that marriage.  That I was becoming less of what I could be.  I was compromising values that were important to me and sending a message to my soul that I should limit myself.

This is not Robb’s fault.  This is not my fault.  And I don’t know if it could have ended differently if we had taken different paths earlier on.  But I was there, in that moment, and I couldn’t stay in the place where I was.  So I risked.  I risked blossoming.  At the time, I wasn’t sure if what would come out of it was a blossom or a dead flower.  But I had hope that it would be a blossom.  And now I have hope that the blossom that came out of last December 6^th will be a beautiful flower.