50 Shades of Fun

If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it.

--Herodotus (484BC-430BC), The Histories of Herodotus

So this post is about the book Fifty Shades of Gray.  It's amazing to me how it is becoming the talk of the summer.  And I'm in the middle of reading them.  And I've been reading all the facebook posts and essays about them.

 

Let me be perfectly clear: 

• I'm a feminist. I believe that women are amazing, capable of anything and everything and that, if given the chance, they could run the world better than men.
• I'm against abuse of women of any kind.  I've seen my share of it (actually more than my share it seems lately) and abuse can not and should not be tolerated in any form: emotional, physical, sexual. 
• I was an english major.  I appreciate good writing and interesting use of the language. 

Based on all that, I should HATE Fifty Shades of Gray.  It's poorly written and has the same phrases used over and over again.  It is an abusive relationship--filled with a man who only knows how to dominate women and a woman who lets her sexual desire trump her common sense and thinks violence is hot. 

BUT I DON'T hate it; I really am enjoying it.  Loosen up people.  It's fun.  It's silly.  It's escapist.  I'm enjoying it immensely.  I don't want to put it down and it is a great little retreat from this crazy world of mine. 

I think we need to give the women who are reading this a little more credit.  I don't think that reading this book is more likely to make me get into an abusive relationship any more than reading the Twilight series made me want to get into a relationship with a vampire. 

Sometimes it is good not to take things so seriously.

 

(So excuse me as I go back--I'm on book two and they're about to go into the playroom again.  I'm really hoping that they use those balls in her "sex" along with two or three of the whips!) 

Road Trip Delight

I am a stranger to half measures. With Life I am on the attack, restlessly ferreting out each pleasure, foraging for answers, wringing from it even the pain. I ransack life, hunt it down. I am the hungry peasants storming the palace gates. I will have my share. No matter how it tastes.   --Marita Golden, 1950 -

Kyle and I just came back from a four day monster road trip.  It was supposed to be a weekend roadtrip to Nashville to see a concert for his birthday.  But my son is like me and saw an opportunity for something bigger.  Like the quote, he wanted to ransack this road trip and ferret all the pleasures.  It started with an innocent comment he made, "you know, mom, Cincinnati is only 4 hours away from Nashville..."  So, we added two days and a trip to Cincinnati to our agenda. 

What is so remarkable about the trip was how unremarkable it was.  We settled into two hour shifts of driving.  We negotiated the music.  We ate as much as we could from what we brought and stayed on a budget for the rest.  We helped the other person out when they were driving by grabbing waters, changing the iPod music, checking the directions.  We used our please and thank yous.  We got on each others' nerves slightly and then backed off.  We stopped when we needed to and whoever didn't need to pee pumped the gas. 

Really, I think I just got schooled on how to be in a comfortable relationship by my son. 

Roadtrips were never like this with Robb.   To be fair, he really wasn't a fan.  But he was so worried about making good time and crazy drivers and backed up traffic that the any trip with him was stressful.  As a result, I just did any trips with the boys by myself.  And that's hard when you're the only driver.  But with a good teen driver, the equation changes. 

We also got a good reminder of some of the special people in our lives.  People who love us for who we are, not what we do or how often we see them.  We are so blessed to have people like that in our lives. 

So, I'm exhausted and delighted by the trip.  So off to bed...with a smile. 

My Perspective on Community

Friendship is a strong and habitual inclination in two persons to promote the good and happiness in another. - Eustace Budgell

[The following is a post that I wrote for my friend Heather Bowie's blog.  She asked other blogger friends to write about Community.  Since community has been such a huge part of my journey--and because I just jump into stuff--I said I'd write one!  I met Heather when we were living in Cincinnati and she was in the church choir that my wasband was directing.  He knew I'd love her and I immediately did.  She has an amazing energy, an enthusiastic approach to life--and she was a camp person.  We were around when she met her husband in a castle in Ireland and we sang at her wedding.  She has a wonderful blog about living with a son with an undiagnosed disability--or super power, as she calls it.  Please read and forward her blog-- http://teamaidan.wordpress.com/]

I've been blessed to have some wonderful communities in my life.  And the older I get and the more challenges I've faced, the more important those communities have become for me. 

The biggest thing I've learned about communities is that they lay in the tension between opposites:  giving and receiving; strength and vulnerability; attention and space and work and fun. 

My biggest community is through my Unitarian church.  We actually call ourselves the "Beloved Community."  While the words are slightly corny, the intent behind it is sincere and a focus of our attention.  It's not just a community; it's one that we love, nurture and value.  But I also have communities of good friends (a notable community of moms whose kids went to a Montessori school together about 8 years ago), work friends, and family members.

The biggest tension of opposites is that you need to both give and receive to make community work.  I've always understood the giving part.  I love being a leader in my church, helping others, teaching classes, leading services, initiating projects.  But I went through a divorce 18 months ago and I had to call on my community for help.  It took vulnerability (not my strong suit)  for emotional support (a shoulder to cry on) and functional tasks (will you help me move AGAIN?) but it was then that I realized how important it was to me.  And it was important to my friends to give back to me.  It sealed the mutual cycle of giving and receiving.  And being both strong and vulnerable within this gives us the space to be authentic. 

I have a busy life.  There have been times in my life that I've just disappeared from my community for a month or two.  But I realize how strong my community is when I come back.  I'm so grateful for the space that I can take and the welcome I receive when I come back.  I actually think it makes the community stronger.  It isn't a needy community--it has space for people to leave and come back.  But when they come back they reinstate the ties that made them strong in the first place. 

And finally, I think the best memories come from doing hard work together.  I know that the strongest connections have come from doing impossible things--or meaningful things--together.  We created the tightest community the years some friends and I put together a summer camp program for inner city kids--it was the impossible, impeccably done.   And even last week, our church community stepped up in a major way when a beloved member and pillar of the Orlando community died.  We hosted a beautiful funeral for over 500 people (when our sanctuary holds about 280), pulling together all the resources that a congregation can muster.  And it pulled us together in amazing ways because we wanted to show our love for Joe's wife and family.  It made me love these people even more and strengthened our community in a big way.

So, there are my thoughts.  Community through the tension of opposites.  It is work to create and maintain relationships.  But it is meaningful work and the rewards are some of the most important that you'll have in your lives. 

The Collisions of My Worlds

I slip among classifications like water in cupped palms, leaving bits of myself behind. I am quick and deft, for there is no greater fear than the fear of being caught wanting to belong. I am a chameleon. And the best chameleon has no center, no truer sense of self and what he or she is in the instant. --Andrew X. Pham, 20th century writer

For some reason, I have always felt like a chameleon and this quote really resonates with me.  I've always had different parts of me that I keep pretty separated.  For a long time that was because I didn't think my different worlds would "get" each other or would approve.  This was somewhat based in reality in the early days of my career.  I worked with a very male, conservative sales organization in the 90s, where I was tolerated because I was smart, but they still were wary because I was a woman.  Mention anything about my extreme liberal leanings or earth-based belief systems and I would not have a job--I truly believed that (and still do believe it would have been the case). 

Much has changed.  Workplaces have more awareness of diversity and protections.  And of course, I changed.  Mostly, I changed where I worked.  I found a place where I could be more wholly myself (a pagan, divorced, bi-sexual, unitarian leftie?  Yeah, whatever).  But I still find myself protecting the boundaries between my different worlds.  In my mind, they were so different and I was worried about what would happen if they all met.  (Let me be honest, I was worried they might not all like each other--or that they'd find each other weird--or judge each other.  And then I didn't know what I'd do in that situation). 

So I kept my worlds separate:  My church world.  My mom friends (our kids went to school together).  My work world.  My family.  High school friends.  College friends.  And then a group of cool random friends that didn't fit into any category.   

But in this crazy last year, I've called on all of my friends and sometimes called on them to be together.  In one awesome ritual, I actually invited them to join together with me (and then proceeded to freak out that they were together).  And then the most amazing thing happened--they started having relationships with each other!  My best church friends started doing triathlons with my best mom group friend.  My best Ohio friend came to visit and I took her to meet my church friends.  The world didn't end--it just got better by introducing all these awesome people together. 

So part of me living more a more integrated life is also letting my worlds be more integrated.  After all, it was all of my doing to keep them separate.  And that takes energy that isn't necessary.  I think of it as doing my friends a favor by introducing them to other cool people in my world. 

A Little Breathing Room.

Sometimes what's needed most is a little breathing room.  --Sage Cohen

I get different daily affirmations sent to my e-mail every morning.  Some of them are totally worthless, but I'll deal with them in order to every once in a awhile get the message that I need to hear that day.  Sometimes I need to hear it because it helps remind me of what I need and sometimes it helps me see things from a new perspective.  Sometimes, it just helps me get an AHA!  And I'm a girl who loves the Aha moments!  They make me feel like I'm actually learning, progressing, improving.  (Don't get me started on how I often need those aha moments over and over again--just let me think that there is forward movement, please). 

Last week, I got a message about Breathing Room.  The message that it was saying was basically that sometimes we just need a little breathing room--some time to step back, give ourselves some space and just to reflect and breathe.  But my Aha! was different.  I got to see that right now WAS my breathing room in some senses.  It is the time AFTER the great chaos (again, please send energy that chaos is done).  But it is the time BEFORE the next chapter or relationship.  Right now, I see this time as a time of upheaval and settling in.  But in several years, I'll be able to look back and I bet I'll see this as the "time between."  The time that I got to connect with the kids, that I got to work on myself, and the time that I could breathe after what happened, but before the (hopefully wonderful) next stage. 

Who knows whether that will be true, but it feels good to re-frame what is happening now as just that space between.

I'm Not Afraid of Storms...

I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship.  --Louisa May Alcott

Every once in a while, I need to remember how far I've come.  The truth is, I'm still exhausted.  Actually, I just realized that the word exhausted has the word exhaust in it.  Becuase that is what it feels like.  I feel like we're still dealing with the exhaust from the divorce.  The new living conditions, the things that fall through the cracks when kids are between homes, the pretty massive challenges that the kids have been through and the just getting used to new lives--with Robb going back to school and me staying home more.  All that exhaust makes me exhausted.

But I really do need to step back and look sometimes.  I had a friend recently tell me that sometimes I need to stand up on a chair (one without wheels, she recommended) and look out over everything to see the big picture and see what we've accomplished

• Robb and I have stayed friendly through all this.  Really, that's amazing.  Not once have we gotten to the point where we were bitter or mean.  
• We've co-parented as well as we possibly could expect--the biggest testament to that is that the kids know we talk every few days and that they can't play us against each other (they've tried and have seen that it doesn't work).
• I've made the adjustments I need for the better of my family--my work has shifted dramatically to benefit both the company and my family so I can stay home more and provide some consistency and stability.
• I've set up a whole new home in a short period of time.  A place that is safe, welcoming, full of crazy animals, good food and a comfy couch.  
• I haven't gone insane.  Really, I deserve a medal for that, right?
• I've built friendships and strengthened others.  I've learned to lean on friends (and can stand to get better at it still). 
• I've carried on family rituals in some cases and created new ones in others. 
• I'm still earning a living.  Really, I don't take that for granted.

I'm sure there's more.  And I'm sure that I wanted it to go faster and smoother.  But that's pretty good, actually.  I have much for which to feel proud.

The Day After Gay Days

Oh, the comfort—the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person—having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.  --Dinah Maria Mulock Craik, 1826 – 1887

So, I went to Gay Days yesterday.  I know you're all interested in what happened. 

Yes, I had a blast.

No, there were no hookups.
Yes, I'd recommend it to anyone.
No, I'm not unscathed--I'm quite hung over today.

I'd love to find a way to describe it.  It is like the most supportive parts of the Danskin triathlon, combined with the joy and freedom that comes with those most perfect vacations, combined with the confidence and pride that comes from that one day when you were skinny enough, had a good hair day and you had the cutest clothes on--all at the same time. 

The day started perfect with a 30 mile bike ride--9 of it with my three friends who are over 69!  One of them I helped get her new bike on Friday--so she could do a full triathlon.  How awesome is that!  I rode all the way downtown to meet them and back, so I had a long, long ride. 

Then my friends Nicki and Rachel went with me to the Gay Days sponsoring hotel and we got there around 2.  Here are some highlights:

• Our biggest priority was to get pictures for our friend--a 65 year old man who just came out about 2 months ago--who had to be out of town this weekend.  We went up to random strangers (cute ones) and told his story and asked if we could take their picture.  People were so generous.  And then one asked if they could do a video--we got videos of support and love.  We were making our friend's phone buzz with love, support and hilarity.  We got to share the evening with him and create a feeling and evening he'll never forget. 
• The expo was a whole lot of selling of random items, a little political activism and a lot of dog rescues.  But the highlight was the 18+ hall.  A bunch of leather, dildos, cock ashtrays (yes, you read that correctly).  And then the highlight--flavored lube that tastes so good that they were serving it over ice cream.  Yea, of course, I tried some!
• The pool parties were the focus of the hotel activities.  The women had their own pool, DJ and bar.  The highlight there was a couple--Diana and Heather.  They were between where we were seated and the bar.  So, of course, I was passing  by them often.  Every time I did, Diana made fun of me for being so covered.  I had a long sarong--the first time, she insisted that I fold it at least in half to show more leg.  The second time, she insisted that I take it off, and by the third time, she had me dancing with it in front of her.  The whole time, I'm looking at her wife Heather and making sure she's okay with this, at which she was just laughing hysterically.  Those two women made me feel beautiful, sexy and alive.  I met a beautiful woman named Jen who had wonderful words of encouragement for me whenever I start my journey. 
• There were women of ALL types and ages.  The hot, athletic 20-somethings up to the 60 year old very butchy women.  And, damn, they were all beautiful.  There really is a beauty to people who are relaxed, free and authentically themselves.  That is the main message I took from the day. 

We ended up getting a room, because all three of us were way to drunk to do anything else.  Who knows where I'll be next year at this time, but I'm thinking I'll want to get a room for the weekend and enjoy those delicious feelings for the whole weekend.

*For those of you reading this on an e-mail feeder, link to the blog page to see a few of the pictures and videos that we took for our friend.  Unfortunately, they're all of men because they were for him.  We didn't actually take any pictures of women, because we got to be there.  You'll have to join me next year to see them for yourself.