How Does Christine Have 1500 Followers?

It’s a good thing to have all the props pulled out from under us occasionally. It gives us some sense of what is rock under our feet, and what is sand.  --Madeleine L’Engle, 1918 – 2007

I've had a wonderful weekend with my friend Candy.  She has indulged me as I've taken her to all the important places in my life.  My sacred beach, my friends' back yard, my church, my work, my home.  We've shared stories and I've seen how far we've come (and yes, how far I have yet to go).  I've decided it's a great exercise to find an old friend and recap your last two decades as a spiritual practice to see the big picture. 

Some of you may be finding this blog for the first time.  I was watching The Big C (an awesome show on Showtime with Laura Linney--HIGHLY recommend) and the husband character was starting a blog and was using Twitter to get viewers.  I thought that was a perfect idea for me. 

I have over 1500 followers on Twitter.  Which is minor for a celebrity, but a HUGE number for me.  But the story of how I got all those followers is hilarious.  I was an early adopter to Twitter (haven't I been for almost everything?) and we came upon the time when Ashton Kutcher was in competition with Ted Turner to see who could get to a million followers first.  Well, I was following Ashton like the other million people.  But, for some reason, Ashton decided to follow ME.  When I first saw his name, I thought it was a joke.  But immediately, I started getting hundreds of new followers.  See people were going onto Ashton's profile and seeing who he followed and started following them.  So I went from 4 followers to 400 in just 3 days.  I'm now up to 1500. 

So for those of you who are just starting to follow my blog--here's what you need to know:

• I'm starting over--after a divorce and into more solo parenting, dating, exploring, etc.
• When I start to date (which isn't yet) I may be into women or men--I don't know yet and if that's an issue for you, you may want to leave now.  I don't want to come out later--I'm already there.
• I'm working on living with integrity and honesty, aided by deep intraspection and hopefully a modicum of humor. 

I hope you'll join me for the ride and chime in with your own thoughts (kind ones only, please) as we explore Project Christine 2.0 (already in progress). 

Time For Some Candy

We need each other. Each of us is responsible for what happens on this earth. We are each absolutely essential, each totally irreplaceable. Each of us is the swing vote in the bitter election battle now being waged between our best and our worst possibilities.  --Leonard Peltier, 1944-

I love my friends!  In the last 15 months, I've seen just what the power of good friends who can really be there for you can do. 

If you are reading this, you've gotten to see comments from two of my biggest supporters--Deb and Candy post on my blog all the time (I wish others did too, but I love that many of you reach out to me personally). 

Today, Candy is coming to Orlando and I'm SO EXCITED!!  I feel like a little school girl giddy for her first sleepover.  Actually, I've been the adult version of that--I've been frantically trying to get my work done so I can enjoy the day off with her tomorrow.  And I've also been throwing laundry in the washer and trying to make my place look inhabitable (although I know she totally doesn't care). 

Candy's and my story is very unique.  We went to Wittenberg together.  She was actually a little sis at Robb's fraternity--and we were BOTH his little sisses.  (I know, the "family" idea of the greek system is odd, and I laughed at it at the time, but I appreciate it now).  Then I joined her sorority the following year and got to know her even further. 

The last time I saw Candy was at her wedding.  I was still in college and it seemed like such a grown up thing to do--to get married. 
Fast forward to last summer--23 years later.  I was in the divorce project but still months away from it being finalized.  I was having dinner in Columbus with another sorority sister who mentioned that Candy just got divorced.  I tentatively reached out to her and said "hey, I think we have something in common..."

Thus begun a beautiful relationship--done entirely on e-mail and texts.  Managing the ups and downs and all the changes that our new family situations presented us.  We virtually drank our way together through Thanksgiving, we reassured each other that our kids would be alright, we vented about some of the "interesting" things our wasbands did.  Essentially, we were support in a loving, encouraging way--being the people in each other's lives that could say "yes, I truly understand where you're coming from." 

So, Candy and I are hanging out this weekend and going to the beach and talking and talking.  The funny thing is that we're doing it after having not seen each other in 23 years and not talking. 

[Postlogue--I'm sending this the next morning after she arrived.  We talked until 2 and went through a bottle of wine.  And I love her even more in person!]

Do All the Good You Can

Do all the good you can,
By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
To all the people you can,
As long as ever you can.
        --John Wesley, 1703 – 1791

This quote so makes me think of my church.  I am a Unitarian Universalist and I can't begin to tell you how much my church community has been a solace and inspiration to me.  Sunday mornings ground me after a crazy week and in preparation for a crazy week.  My friends there (and let's be honest--so many of my good friends are from there) are real friends--authentic, caring and they really see me.  The experiences I've had there are transformational.  And I've grown so much there--taking on new responsibilities and trying new things. 

I also love how I can expect certain things when I meet someone who is Unitarian.  I expect them to be conscious of what they eat, how they live and the earth they tread upon; they'll know the difference between couscous and quinoa.  I expect them to be well-versed in what is going on in the world somewhat.  I expect them to be filled with love for those who are otherwise beaten down in this world--the poor, the immigrants, the cast-off, the marginalized.  I know that they not only have "friends who are gay," but they have best friends who are gay, lesbian, transgender or bi-sexual.

But mostly, I know they will be full of love.  They'll treat waiters nicely.  They'll hug.  They'll care how you are--genuinely.  They'll be fascinated by how you live your life according to your values.  And they'll be authentic when they talk with you.  But all that is done with lots and lots and lots of love.   
There is a line in the song we used to sing to the children each week that says "Service is our prayer."  That is what this quote means to me.  Let your prayer be the love that you send out into the world via your actions each and every day.  Thank goddess for the Unitarian Universalists. 

The Promise of a Brighter Coming Day

Though the morning seems to linger
O’er the hill-tops far away,
Yet the shadows bear the promise
Of a brighter coming day.
--Frances Ellen Watkins Harper, 1825 – 1911

So I've been getting a kick out of my eldest son, Kyle lately.   Like both of his parents, Kyle learned the unfortunate habit of emotional eating.  He pushed his emotions down and when they bubbled up, he ate. 

Well, Kyle's been doing some incredible work this past year on working on his emotions.  So maybe he doesn't need that habit anymore.  So just this past week, he decided that he really wanted to work on himself physically too. 

He's been working out everyday.  And when I say working out, he's working HARD--up to 2 hours in the gym a day!  And writing down everything he's eating.  And drinking tons of fluid.  And he's already lost 6 pounds, which he feels great about. 

I'm thrilled about this and I'm being the doting mom, helping him determine serving sizes, making him protein shakes and telling him how proud I am of him. 

But I'm most excited by how excited HE is by it.  I love seeing the change it is having on his attitude and his energy level.  I love seeing him feel in control of his life and his body.  I love seeing him so proud of himself. 

I know that the obsessions of my children can vary--some last a really long time (Eric's pirate phase) and some can fly by pretty quickly (Halo 3).  So I'll enjoy this as long as it lasts (and will hope and encourage it so we can extend it as much as possible). 

In the meantime, he is motivating me to get off my ass.  Afterall, I supposedly have a triathlon in 4 weeks.  

By Changing the Frame of Mind

What we truly and earnestly aspire to be, that in some sense we are. The mere aspiration, by changing the frame of mind, for the moment realizes itself.   --Anna Jameson, 1794 – 1860

So I had an aha-moment today.  I was having lunch with a good friend that I haven't talked to in awhile--like maybe a year.  He was aware of the divorce, but we haven't really caught up. 

We get through all the superficial "how are yous?" (which, let's be honest, are not that superficial with me--I don't do surface talk with friends).  We covered jobs and kids.  And then we got to the "how ARE YOUs."  The real talk... the like, really, dude, how are you doing. 

Now, it is no suprise that I've been struggling the last month or so.  I've felt beaten down by the ongoing stream of suprises and circumstances of my family that keep impacting me.  I've been feeling like the character in The Godfather..."as soon as I try to get out, they keep pulling me back in."  And I was feeling like the foreseeable future was going to continue to be mired in muck.  And I'm not a fan of muck. 

So, I told my friend about how I've been struggling and how it's hard and how I'm pretty tired of it. 

It was after the lunch that I realized that this is the friend that was probably asking the question of "how am I?" about the last year or so, not just the last month.  See, I've been stuck in the right now.  But he was wondering whether I had regrets, whether I was content with my decision, whether I was coping with my new life.  And I realize that I didn't answer accurately.  I answered for the "this month" period of my life.  But in truth, my longer view is much more positive. 

Well, as often turns out, the universe helped me out.  He and his wife were at a small group discussion at church tonight that I attended.  And we were sharing different stories.  And I had the opportunity to tell my revised story and I did.  Because the big picture is that I'm doing really well.  I'm claiming my power.  I'm feeling strong.  I'm finding Christine again.  I don't have regrets.  If I knew then what I know now I may not have had the courage to do it, but that is different than regrets.  So I got to re-tell my story from a longer perspective.  And, I got to realize that I actually am good and I like the longer-term arc of where my life is going.  I'm still not thrilled with the exact situation of the present moment, but taking a look at the bigger picture helps change the frame of mind. 

Unexpected Gifts

The next time you’re faced with something that’s unexpected, unwanted and uncertain, consider that it just may be a gift.” --Stacey Kramer

A couple of nights ago, I got caught up in the time-suck that is TED talks.  I just saw 3-4, but all of them have stayed in my head in some way.  The one I'm referencing in this post is:
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/stacey_kramer_the_best_gift_i_ever_survived.html

At the same time, I was thinking on a line that my youngest son threw out at me this weekend.  In talking about the divorce and how much I've ruined his life (yes, it was one of those talks), he said, "So, was it worth it?"
As my friend Candy so smartly reminded me, it is not even a relevant question yet because we are still so much in the throes of it that we can't assess that (as if he meant it as a real question).  We haven't learned all that we will learn, we haven't grown all that we'll grow from it, we probably haven't suffered all that we're going to suffer (*hand slaps forehead*).

But in the spirit of Stacey Kramer, here's what I think:
What if I told you that I found myself in a way that no therapist could uncover, no soul mate could help reveal?.  That I found a new level of spirituality; that I got the chance to truly live in the now--that the past was irrelevant and the future was truly wide open with no boundaries?  What if I said I got the opportunity to look at my childhood, my early years and see things that I had never seen before and that it rocked my perceptions?  What if I said I got a whole new perspective on being a mother--and how to balance that with being a professional (that actually led to ownership, rather than demotion)?  What if I said that it gave me a chance to build stronger, deeper and more rewarding friendships?  What if I said it gave me more understanding of empathy and compassion than any of my charity work ever has?  What if I said it gave me financial planning and the ability to set all my affairs in order in ways that I never have before?  What if I said I got all this for the bargain basement price of $7000?  Doesn't it sound better than any retreat, spa vacation, consultation with a Yoga master? 

But here's the catch.  I would never wish it on anyone.  I sincerely hope that my friends never get this kind of insight (and not because I want it for myself only).  Because there is a lot of pain associated with this growth and I wouldn't want to see them go through it.  But I chose this and it is good to see that--at some point--I may think that this gift was "worth it." 

Prayer from a Tired Mom

Praying:… just pay attention, then patch a few words together and don’t try to make them elaborate, this isn’t a contest but the doorway into thanks, and a silence into which another voice may speak.  --Mary Oliver, 1935 –

It's been a long evening.  And I'm tired of being a parent.  Or I guess I'm tired of being a parent that gives a damn.  But, of course, I give a really big damn. 

I've been trying to figure out what the basic role of a parent is and I've tried to narrow it to this:
1. Try to keep them out of physical harm's way.
2. Try to set them up for a promising future and keep as many options for their future open to them.
3. Try to show and teach them how to be a good person. 

I've thought that this is my role until they are 18, but I'm starting to wonder if this is always going to be my role and that 18 is way too early.

So, here is my meager prayer for my children...and for me.



Holding the sun in their hands

To the powers that be, help me to know how to parent my children.  Not just overall, but how to parent them differently from one situation to the next, from one minute to the next and from one crisis to the next.  Help me to remember what it was like to be their age and to do it from a place of compassion.  Help me to trust my emotions but also remember every single thing I've ever read, heard or thought. 

To those who watch over us, help us remember that this isn't forever.  That these are small steps and that a misstep here or there won't put us on the wrong path forever.  Help to keep perspective that we all screw up--as kids and as parents--and that everything usually turns out okay in the end.

To all the deities that watch out over children, help mine know that their father and I are doing the very best we can with the limited skills that we had and the role models that we were given.  Help them to understand that no matter what punishments, consequences or emotions come that day that I love them more than anything else in my life.  Encourage them to reach out from beyond that veil of teenage angst to the love and support that is right here around them.  And please tell me that one day this will all make sense to them. 

To all the Gods that are worshiped and whose energy encompass us all, surround my family--as broken as we are--and help guide us with love.  When you're looking to dole out little extra bits of energy, send us a little more than usual right now--we won't need it forever and we'll give more than our share back when we're through all this, we promise. 

Amen, Blessed Be.