The Collisions of My Worlds

I slip among classifications like water in cupped palms, leaving bits of myself behind. I am quick and deft, for there is no greater fear than the fear of being caught wanting to belong. I am a chameleon. And the best chameleon has no center, no truer sense of self and what he or she is in the instant. --Andrew X. Pham, 20th century writer

For some reason, I have always felt like a chameleon and this quote really resonates with me.  I've always had different parts of me that I keep pretty separated.  For a long time that was because I didn't think my different worlds would "get" each other or would approve.  This was somewhat based in reality in the early days of my career.  I worked with a very male, conservative sales organization in the 90s, where I was tolerated because I was smart, but they still were wary because I was a woman.  Mention anything about my extreme liberal leanings or earth-based belief systems and I would not have a job--I truly believed that (and still do believe it would have been the case). 

Much has changed.  Workplaces have more awareness of diversity and protections.  And of course, I changed.  Mostly, I changed where I worked.  I found a place where I could be more wholly myself (a pagan, divorced, bi-sexual, unitarian leftie?  Yeah, whatever).  But I still find myself protecting the boundaries between my different worlds.  In my mind, they were so different and I was worried about what would happen if they all met.  (Let me be honest, I was worried they might not all like each other--or that they'd find each other weird--or judge each other.  And then I didn't know what I'd do in that situation). 

So I kept my worlds separate:  My church world.  My mom friends (our kids went to school together).  My work world.  My family.  High school friends.  College friends.  And then a group of cool random friends that didn't fit into any category.   

But in this crazy last year, I've called on all of my friends and sometimes called on them to be together.  In one awesome ritual, I actually invited them to join together with me (and then proceeded to freak out that they were together).  And then the most amazing thing happened--they started having relationships with each other!  My best church friends started doing triathlons with my best mom group friend.  My best Ohio friend came to visit and I took her to meet my church friends.  The world didn't end--it just got better by introducing all these awesome people together. 

So part of me living more a more integrated life is also letting my worlds be more integrated.  After all, it was all of my doing to keep them separate.  And that takes energy that isn't necessary.  I think of it as doing my friends a favor by introducing them to other cool people in my world.