My job is to support their dreams!

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions.  Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you too, can become great.  When you are seeking to bring big plans to fruition, it is important with whom you regularly associate.  Hang out with friends who are like-minded and who are also designing purpose-filled lives.  Similarly be that kind of a friend to your friends.  --Mark Twain

Mindy Simmons was one of the artists at SUUSI and told a story at one of her concerts (I went to a LOT of concerts, jam sessions, and talks of these amazing artists) about her time as a musician. She said she didn't have parents who asked her when she was going to get a "real job."  Her parents were always encouraging of the difficult path she had chosen to be a musician.  In fact, she called her parents when she decided one night to just stop performing at nightclubs and bars because she didn't like that her main job was to just keep customers drinking (and then go get into cars).  Instead of worrying about how she would pay her bills (her biggest concern), they came over and put all of her childhood stuffed animals around her kitchen table and throw her a little party.  It obviously touched her, and it touched me. 

(To the left--a video of Mindy Simmons "Ain't Florida Neat"--this isn't the typical type of song that she does, but I found it to be amusing and oh-so-real as a resident of the Sunshine State).

So I want this to be a reminder to myself to just support my children on their dreams, no matter how much my own sirens about "reality" and "income" and doubts come into my head.  They have enough people in the world who will be trying to squash their dreams.  My job is to encourage them to go for it. 

This is already a challenge since Eric (who just turned 15) has already picked out his college for music production.  I think that's great, except that it is a 2-year school and I really want him to get a 4-year degree to keep all his possibilities open.  But, my job is to encourage him to follow his dream, support him along the way and help him to do what makes his heart sing.  Lord knows, his musical talents are there to take him wherever he wants to go.

Kyle wants to learn business and video production and work for Pixar.  As a business woman, I know how hard that is and how many obstacles he will have to overcome.  But the world will tell him all those things.  My job is to raise him up, see the dream with him and encourage him every step of the way. 

Someone please just give me gentle reminders...

What To Call This Kind of Parenting?

The fastest growing parenting demographic: 6.9 million women in the United States are raising their children alone after divorce today.  --2009 US Census Bureau

There are SO many people who talk about single parenting after a divorce.  What is it that you call what I'm doing?  Kyle's with me full time and Eric splits his time between his Dad and I.  I'm not a single parent because I'm lucky enough to have their other parent is still involved in their parenting.  But I am not necessarily parenting WITH him in the same way that I did when I was married.  I am 100% responsible for my own finances, home, groceries, errands.  And I do take the lead on most of the kids activities, knowing their friends, initiating new adventures, etc.  But I'm not a "single parent." 

What could you call me?  "A single parent to one child and a split parent to the other"?  "A divorced parent who splits her time, but not her energies"?  I think that "Single Co-Parent" probably works best. 

It is true that my energies have been definitely focused on my kids since the divorce.  My work has noticed.  My friends have noticed.  My kids have noticed (one likes it and the other wishes I'd maybe be a little bit less in his business).  I have concerns about it, but I don't have regrets--it is absolutely what I need to be doing right now. 

But the feeling that I'm doing it "on my own" (see all the caveats above) is a bit overwhelming after all these years.  And it feels somewhat exhausting.  And a little bit empowering. 

SUUSI--Coming Back Open-Hearted

When we simply allow ourselves to fully feel our feelings as they come, we tend to let them go easily. This is all we are required to do; our feelings simply want to be felt. We often complicate the situation by applying mental energy in the form of analysis, when all we really need is to allow, as the earth allows the rain to fall upon it. As the rain falls, the earth responds in a multitude of ways, sometimes emptying out to form a great canyon, sometimes soaking it up to nourish an infinitude of plants. In the same way, the deeper purpose of our feelings is to transform the terrain of our inner world, sometimes creating space for more feelings to flow, sometimes providing sustenance for growth. All we need to do is allow the process by relaxing, opening, and receiving the bounty of our emotions. –Daily Om

So I just got back from a week of vacation.  I've been hearing about this place for years--SUUSI--The Southeast Unitarian Universalist Summer Institute.  I can talk about so many things about SUUSI (and maybe in other blog posts I will):

• About how great it was that my boys got their own dorm with other open-minded teens in a safe place to be who they were and be accepted fully for their awesomeness and to have the freedom and space to just be.
• About how high quality the music was--and how intimately I got to know the artists.
• About the gorgeous setting of Radford University, the peacefulness of reading under a tree and the beautiful hikes, falls, rivers and mountains there were nearby.
• About how this whole week was run by volunteers and how a camp for 1100 people felt better run than most corporate events I've seen.
• How high quality and just cool the workshops were--from ecstatic dance (my "stretch" workshop for the week), to poetry writing, to yoga and great hikes. 

But instead, I want to focus on just how I FELT after SUUSI.  This was an intentional community for one week that made my heart just burst right open.  It was a group of people who were so incredibly excited to be there and who just couldn't wait to share this time and space with each other.  It was a group who knew they were "home" and made you feel like you were with long-lost friends, even if you had just met.  By the concert on Monday Night of Brother Sun (great instrumentalists, but their amazing vocal talents are highlighted on this video), I felt my heart just opening.  The conversations with people there were just more real and authentic and everyone was just "fuller."  And every activity and every encounter just made that richer. 

You know that expression "dance like no one is watching?"  Well I did that at the evening dances.  I got to Contra Dance for the first time in 10 years and it just made my heart swell and I was grinning for the entire three hours.  I lost myself in ecstatic dance--a highlight of my week--where you just let your body feel the music and do what it wants to do, without an agenda or concern about what you "should" be doing or what anyone else thinks.  When we took a break, I looked and saw that I had been dancing for an hour and it felt like just 20 minutes.  And that was just the three dancing examples. 

Thank you SUUSI--as someone who is trying to live a more whole-hearted life, thank you for showing me how that feels. 

I See You and You are Amazing

What did we ever do before Facebook memes?  I love quotes.  I love them so much that I made them the structure around which I made this blog. 

I just saw this one:

And it represents SO MUCH of what I'm going for here. 

I want people to SEE ME.  All of me--my beauty and my warts.  I want people to see my good deeds and all the times I screw up.  My kindness and my selfishness. 

Here are a few things that touch me and show me that you see me:
*  When I say something obscure and small and you actually remember it and reference it in a future conversation.  I know this sounds obvious, but it means you were really listening.  And what I said was important enough that you saved some long-term memory storage for it.  It's really a big compliment. 
*  When I say something--and you want to know more.  You ask questions, you dig further.  You don't just immediately tell me what YOU think, you ask to know more about what I think.  It means that you're interested in my thoughts and feelings as more than just jump-starters for your own.
*  When you haven't heard from me in a while and you randomly reach out to say hi and see if I'm okay.  What that means is that you've noticed the hole in your life where you see me being and you miss me.  And that you care what is happening to me. 

And, oh do I want to see you too.  I'm sometimes too absorbed in wanting you to see me to do that.  And sometimes I'm working so hard to make you see me to do that.  Because I'm fallible and very human.  But I really do want to see you--all of you.  I want you to feel safe in showing me your warts, fears and pride. 

Wouldn't this world be such a better place if we could really see each other and let ourselves be seen.  I challenge each one of you to show one other person today that you see them. 

Not My Finest Moment

I try. I am trying. I was trying. I will try. I shall in the meantime try. I sometimes have tried. I shall still by that time be trying.  Diane Glancy, 1941 -

So last week I didn't have one of my finest moments.  During all of this post-divorce time, I've been trying to stick to the high road.  I've been trying to be compassionate and supportive. 

Basically, I know one couple who went through a divorce compassionately and it was so inspiring.  And it reflected really well on them. 

The majority of other people who I've known who have gone through this have gotten anger, and resentment into their hearts and it has reflected really badly on them.  As justified as it can be (and believe me, sometimes it is), those negative feelings just end up being poison for them and end up eating away at their real selves. 

I really have been working hard to make sure I'm part of the first group and not get sucked into the self-righteous (although alluring) second group. 

But lately some some of the poor choices by my wasband have really impacted me.  He and our eldest son are having relationship issues due to how Robb has handled himself since the divorce (and probably plenty of things before).  And Kyle's living with me full time now.  And I've been angry that Kyle is impacted like that and I was resentful about how I was impacted.  But what came out was self-righteousness.  And I didn't filter it. 

At dinner with a bunch of girlfriends (who were part of couple friends), I expressed some of those thoughts.  And IMMEDIATELY after, I felt bad.  And icky.  It made them uncomfortable and it made me less of who I was. 

Because the truth is that I'm thrilled to have Kyle with me.  The hardest part of the divorce is not having my kids with me every night.  And I'm sad for Robb and Kyle that they are struggling, but that is their struggle, not mine.  And my self-righteousness or anger or resentment can not help my son to build a better relationship with his dad.  And it only eats at me. 

So I am newly resolved to become that person again--the person who lives according to my values of love and acceptance.  Who eminates that and doesn't get caught up in the petty issues that are usually cover-ups for deeper emotions that we don't want to look at.