I try. I am trying.
I was trying. I will try. I shall in the meantime try. I sometimes have tried.
I shall still by that time be trying. Diane Glancy, 1941 -
So last week I didn't have one of my finest moments. During all of this post-divorce time, I've been trying to stick to the high road. I've been trying to be compassionate and supportive.
Basically, I know one couple who went through a divorce compassionately and it was so inspiring. And it reflected really well on them.
The majority of other people who I've known who have gone through this have gotten anger, and resentment into their hearts and it has reflected really badly on them. As justified as it can be (and believe me, sometimes it is), those negative feelings just end up being poison for them and end up eating away at their real selves.
I really have been working hard to make sure I'm part of the first group and not get sucked into the self-righteous (although alluring) second group.
But lately some some of the poor choices by my wasband have really impacted me. He and our eldest son are having relationship issues due to how Robb has handled himself since the divorce (and probably plenty of things before). And Kyle's living with me full time now. And I've been angry that Kyle is impacted like that and I was resentful about how I was impacted. But what came out was self-righteousness. And I didn't filter it.
At dinner with a bunch of girlfriends (who were part of couple friends), I expressed some of those thoughts. And IMMEDIATELY after, I felt bad. And icky. It made them uncomfortable and it made me less of who I was.
Because the truth is that I'm thrilled to have Kyle with me. The hardest part of the divorce is not having my kids with me every night. And I'm sad for Robb and Kyle that they are struggling, but that is their struggle, not mine. And my self-righteousness or anger or resentment can not help my son to build a better relationship with his dad. And it only eats at me.
So I am newly resolved to become that person again--the person who lives according to my values of love and acceptance. Who eminates that and doesn't get caught up in the petty issues that are usually cover-ups for deeper emotions that we don't want to look at.
That person also has compassion for herself when her humanness shows itself. Be human. And be compassionate toward yourself. And then your values of love and acceptance will be all inclusive.
ReplyDeleteLove you.
Candy said it well. You are human, and you're allowed to have "unfine" moments (yes, I know that's not a word but it is now). You are so right that it's their struggle; Kyle is old enough that he and Robb need to work this out themselves, and you can only be supportive of both your sons.
ReplyDeletexoxo
A thousand things to say, but in the end, you know where I stand...
ReplyDeleteAt your side holding you up when you've no more strength,
Kicking your ass when you need it,
Saying what you don't want to hear,
Listening to what you don't want to say,
And seeing you in all that you are.
Everyone falls down. What you do next says everything about you. You've said what you needed to right here. Move on... past is past. Refocused, rededicated, redefined.
Love you.
You guys are so awesome. It's important that you know that I am NOT kicking myself. I actually have a tremendous amount of compassion when it comes to this--and I think I've done a pretty awesome job of staying above the fray so far. AND, this was a reminder that I still need to remember to do it, even when it is harder. But I love you for picking me up just in case!
ReplyDelete