Orlando is So Gay!

I seek this day an active wonder. An active wonder is the desperate need of my mind and spirit. The awareness of the unexplored and the untried until I find my way into their secret places, this I need and I seek. The illumination of wonder over my familiar landscape, revealing ordinary things, fresh glories, making manifest in my familiar heights and depths that which I have never known – this I need and I seek this day.  --Howard Thurman, 1899 – 1981

I am pretty sure that Howard Thurman was not thinking of exploring the way I'm thinking about it right now, but he's dead and I'm not. 

Orlando is ranked the second gayest city by the Advocate (http://news.advocate.com/post/15571734525/gayest-cities-in-america-2012).  The two things they mention are the Orlando Fringe Festival which was the last two weekends and Gay Days which is next weekend.  So, basically, right now is the high holy days of gayness here in Orlando. 

I've been out as a bi-sexual for many years.  And I'm still not entirely sure which way I'll swing when I choose my next relationship, but I'm hoping to at least experiment with the female persuasion.  Obviously, I've had experience in the male side, but I'm very green in the area of female relationships.  I'm actually not looking for a relationship now--my focus is on "dating" myself and keeping the kids stable.  But that doesn't mean that a girl can't do a little research and reconnaissance.  I'm a huge fan of the Fringe Festival (which I'd love whether it was gay or not--it's just that being gay makes it cooler).  But Gay Days is a whole foreign land for me.  So, I'm sticking my little toe in and am going to check it out this coming weekend. 

I'm very interested in the expo that they're having at the convention center.  They're touting it as the largest gay and lesbian expo in the country.  I'm just wondering what it will have there.  I've seen the list of past exhibitors--there are tons of dog rescue groups, Sea World and hotels and restaurants that sound like they are just standard for anyone.  There are the expected folks like PFLAG and HRC.  But there are also random titles like the Florida Gay Rodeo Association, Womenfest and Rainbow 411.  How can you not be intrigued with that!?  I really see it as an opportunity to just explore, take it in and learn something (and be amused). 

Then there are pool parties at the hosting hotel.  There are three different pool parties--one for the the men, one for the women and one for the bears (not enough room here to explain--google it).  I guess people just hang out at the pool, soak up the sun and meet people.  I'm just picturing myself sitting in the corner watching and being scared to do anything else--but I know I won't. 

I'm bringing my good friends Nicki and Rachel to help me--plus everything is more fun with them!  Send me your good energy and any pieces of advice!

Guilt--The Useless Emotion

I have no creative use for guilt, yours or my own. Guilt is only another way of avoiding informed action, of buying time out of the pressing need to make clear choices, out of the approaching storm that can feed the earth as well as bend the trees.   --Audre Lorde, 1934 – 1992

Boy, I sure have been exploring the guilt theme the last several months.  Actually I've been having as part of my psyche ever since I thought about leaving the marriage and exponentially after I really did and then atmospherically after the kids had their struggles after the divorce. 

Yes, I felt guilty for leaving.  Actually, no, I didn't feel guilty for leaving because I really felt like I needed to for my own (and Robb's) sanity.  I felt guilty that we couldn't make the marriage work.  I felt guilty that the kids' lives were turned upside down by absolutely no fault of their own.  I felt guilty that they had two homes and suitcases.  I felt guilty every time they left something important at the other home.  I felt guilty that they felt angry, sad, depressed.

I can LOGICALLY look at that guilt and say that it isn't serving ANYONE.  I see that my guilt doesn't actually take away any of their pain.  If anything, it robs them of the experience of having their own emotions by my assumption that I can take any of it own.  I also acknowledge that it can make me a less than perfect parent by trying to compensate for what they've lost with what they don't need.  But EMOTIONALLY, it is a harder sell for my heart.  Here's where I've landed on all this, with the help of some good friends.

• If I'm going to take this much credit for the bad that I've brought to them, then I need to take just as much credit for the good.  That they have two good homes (which I'm paying for both, thank you), a good education, a solid faith foundation, experience in sports/music/drama, that they have good morals and are good friends, and that the whole world of opportunities is open to them in ways that very few people have access.
• That the removal of guilt is related to Grace (another topic I've been exploring--worthy of several posts of its own).  If Grace is acceptance and love of who you are for just being who you are--not what you do--then guilt has no place.  I am where I am.  And my children are where they are.  And we are all loved and worthy of that, wherever we are.  And, oh, what a multi-layered onion that is...
• In the long run, this will serve my children well.  I am proof that it does not serve the child well to have the parents in a non-rewarding marriage.  I am hopeful and expecting that Robb and I will find healthier relationships in the future and can still show the kids how that can be done.  And we can model that you can change at any point--it is never too late to go after your bliss.  And we can show them that they are capable of going through great change and chaos and coming out stronger. 
• My guilt is a way of trying to live their pain for them.  In some ways, it is invalidating what they are feeling because I'm focusing on my own emotions of guilt.  I am striving just to be there with them in their emotions and let them feel them--not to take them on as my own.  They are not mine.  And Lord knows, I've got enough of my own--I really don't need theirs too.  They can handle theirs (with my help) and I can handle mine.  Guilt is just a sneaky way of trying to take theirs away from them. 
• Finally, they need me to be a solid, strong, foundational parent who can make the right decisions.  If I'm knee-deep in guilt, I'll make poor decisions, more lenient decisions or decisions based on emotion rather than rationality.  They need me to get over this guilt and just get on to being a good parent. 

So, consider that a little guilt-expunging ritual.  Guilt, be gone!

A Tangled Orchard of Imperfections

The mind I love most must have wild places, a tangled orchard where dark damsons drop in the heavy grass, an overgrown little wood, the chance of a snake or two, a pool that nobody fathomed the depth of, and paths threaded with flowers planted by the mind." --Katherine Mansfield

I have been slowly learning to love my imperfections. 

Please know that it hasn't gone right to love.  At first, I had to first look at them.  Then I had to learn not to feel bad about them (shame really is a useless emotion).  Then, to have a little compassion for them.  And from all that eventually comes love. 

I do have the wild mind, the tangled orchard, the overgrown woods, snakes and even some flowers.  Here are just a few of my imperfections that I love.

• I don't do small talk.  My friends have called me "Heavy, deep and real" for years because I go deep right away--little time for the chit chat.  I always felt bad for that before that I wasn't doing the "social talk" right; but now I just see it as refreshing.  Actually I see this in my youngest son as well and I LOVE it in him.
• I don't have a good sense of the lines of propriety.  My co-workers joke "oops--there's the line, she went over it."  Whether it's sex, politics, crude humor, whatever--I just go there.  But let's be honest...I'm just saying what you're thinking, aren't I?
• I don't tolerate petty things.  I don't necessarily stand up to it either, I just walk away.  I just don't want to spend my time on things that are insignificant.  I used to think of it as not having a backbone or not social.  Now I just see it as a good use of time.
• I'm not a big fan of conflict.  I'll need to work on how to manage this for the really important things within a relationship, but for most people, I'll let it go and just love you--deal with it.
• I'm affectionate and am a big fan of hugs.  I know some people have personal space issues, but I just don't care.  I'm going to hug you anyway.
• I like to be in charge.  Always have and probably always will.  I used to feel bad for being miss bossy-pants, but I find that most people like following me.  And I'm in a job where they do now and shit is getting done. 
• I come across pretty strong (You don't think so?  Did you just read the last six points?).  I'd like to be softer and more approachable and I'm working on that.  But some of my hardness has helped me to get where I am and I'm grateful for it.  I don't need it all now and could replace it with some vulnerability--give me some time to transition to that...

What are your wild places and tangled orchards?  How do they make up your wild and awesome garden?

My Triathlon Reflection

"Connection: the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship." Dr Brene' Brown

So it's been a couple days since the triathlon and I've already moved on to all the other drama in my life.  But I want to take a moment and reflect on what an amazing day it was for me and for the others in my TriBE.

And that's what I want to focus on--the TriBE.  This is a group of 26 women who did this together.  Everyone knew at least one other person starting out, but no one knew everyone except for Deb Costello, who became our unofficial "coach."  But we became a team.  I realized the power of a name and a logo in how it creates a sense of belonging.  We had pooled resources--the use of a pool, knowledge in clinics and group rides.  We had our own blog site with motivational postings.  And we had each other.

I trained pitifully little--I'm not going to sugar coat that.  And there were a lot of women I hadn't met through the training process.  But I was still part of the TriBE.  So when we all showed up on Saturday to check in with our shirts, there was an immediate sense of belonging, excitement, encouragement and acceptance.  I was pulling for these women in the strongest way and I knew they were pulling for me.  There was a sense of non-judgment, kinship and familiarity that you sometimes don't get with friends you've known for decades--and I couldn't even remember some of their names.  

This race was very different from when it was at Disney.  Some of the "magic" was gone from the unique venue.  But, despite that--or maybe because of it--I found more magic and support from the women themselves.  Definitely when we saw anyone from the TriBE on the course, I felt so much love, encouragement, and PRIDE for them that I could bust.  And I could truly feel that love coming back at me too.  The hugs and congratulations at the end of the course were genuine and warm.  And I got comments from the friends and family of the group how much they could feel that too--they were so excited for every single one of us.  

So then it didn't surprise me all that much that so many women came to my celebration Happy Hour the next day.  They didn't know me--but we all wanted to celebrate our race together--to recount our stories and to lift each other up.  But there was also introductions--now that we've shared this big journey together, who are you?  how do you fit in here?  you have how many kids?  It was a glorious night of relative strangers being close friends.  

I've been saving the quote at the top of this for awhile.  After all, that is what I'm seeking in my relationships.  I thought I would use it in the context of the most intimate and solo relationship.  I love the irony that I found it with a group of friends and strangers.

The race--it was okay. 

• The swim was 4 minutes shorter than I thought it would be and the water felt silky and delicious.
• The bike was easier than what I had imagined based on all the horror stories I'd heard.  Oh, the power of high expectations and amazing gear changing.  My time was slow and I was passed versus being the one to pass by a factor of 10:1, but I didn't care.
• The run was craptastic.  That's where the lack of training showed up--my body just didn't have it in me--but I still was faster than my 5K pace from 2 years ago.
• The highlight came when I came in from the bike ride and heard my four church friends (who I had gotten into this) at the finish line over the loud speaker.  Two crossed the finish line and the other two were speaking to the MC about it--I just left transition, ran over, gave hugs and ran back.  It was the best use of a couple extra minutes in transition ever!

Mother's Day Eve

"Of course, I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising children."  --Bill Keane (of Family Circus)

So I know I'm supposed to be getting sleep and reflecting on the triathlon tomorrow, but I have some reflections on Mother's Day first.  On the drive to the Tri Expo today, I had some ahas. 

Mother's Day last year was really huge for me.  You know those situations when you look back, you realized you totally got worked up for nothing?  That was Mother's Day for me last year.   I was just so worried that it would be the worst Mother's Day ever.  I was just barely settled into my new place, divorce proceedings were under way, but we were still figuring things out.  And I think it was the moment that I went, "Wait? What?  Robb won't be there?"  He wouldn't be there to cheer me on at the race--much less drive the kids and make sure they get there.  I didn't know if he would do anything to help the kids get a present (let's be honest--every other Mother's Day, he bought the presents and the cards at the last minute and just made the kids sign them).  The kids didn't have any money and I wasn't sure they'd even remember.  I could more easily see them bitching about getting up early, how hot it was and how tired they were than I could see them spoiling and celebrating me.  I asked my friends Nicki and Rachel to please come to the tri and support me because I was expecting a disaster (good news: they loved it so much they're doing it themselves this year!!)

Now, that I look back, I realize that the issue was the transition but also worry about whether I DESERVED a pampering Mother's Day.  I was still full of guilt about the divorce with the kids.  And I wasn't at the place where I felt entitled to ask for anything for myself yet (oh, I've gotten better at that).  It turns out that I had nothing to worry about.  The boys were beyond sweet, gave me wonderful homemade gifts and treated me like a princess all day.  It was a beautiful Mother's Day. 

But when I also look at it, Mother's Day last year was also a milestone.  I'd call Mother's Day 2010-Mother's Day 2011 the year of the Breakdown of the Marriage.  It was in the summer of 2010 that I started thinking about leaving seriously.  By Mother's Day 2011, Robb and I had dealt with the biggest divorce issues and had established the "new" relationship that is still essentially what it is today--one of polite professionalism but still caring for each other and the kids.  And it was that moment before the tri that I realized I was co-parenting and single parenting at the same time.  

I'll call Mother's Day 2011-Mother's Day 2012 the year of the Breakdown of the Kids.  Right after Mother's Day last year, the kids started falling apart and continued all &%$# year.  We are hopefully just coming out of that now.  Really, that is me drawing another line in the sand and saying "see, we've passed a milestone--it's over, right?" (Please let it be over). 

Next year--Mother's Day 2012-Mother's Day 2013 is going to be better.  It will be the year of the the Breakdown of boundaries, of walls, or anything that impedes more genuine authentic relationships--especially with my kids. 

Oh, I'm not a perfect Mother--far from it.  And I promise you my children aren't perfect.  But we're all doing the best we can and getting better every single day. 

To anyone who is a mother, has had a mother or knows a mother, Happy Mother's Day!

Try-Athlete

"Divine am I inside and out and I make holy whatever I touch or am touch'd from, the scent of these arm-pits' aroma finer than prayer.  --Walt Whitman

This Sunday is my annual Mother's Day ritual.  Some mothers have a ritual of getting breakfast in bed, getting a massage, going out for an extravagant brunch.  No, my ritual consists of:

• Getting up around 4 am and carrying a bunch of gear to a big pen with loads of women.
• Getting grease paint writings on my body.
• Getting in a lake before 8am and then swimming a half mile
• Getting on a bike and riding for 12 miles (this time with hills!)
• Then putting on running shoes and running a 5k.
• Then, covered in lake scum and sweat, hugging my children and some of my dearest friends while they put a $3 medal (that I paid $97 for).
• And then going out to IHOP for some disgusting breakfast with my children.

Yes, you're weeping with the sentimentality of it, aren't you?

This will be my seventh triathlon.  Last year, when I was just going through the divorce and had just moved, I felt like I had barely trained--and I came in with my best time ever (the 30 pounds that I lost during the divorce helped).  Well, my lack of training last year PALES with how little training I've done this year (and the 12 pounds I've gained back).  Really, it's embarrassing how little I've trained, especially compared to my friends (two of them are 69 and 72, respectively and one just learned how to swim to do this). 

But still, this is MY journey.  I said something similar for my half-marathon:  my half mile swim, 12 mile bike and 3 mile run is the exact same distance as anyone else's.  And I'm not in it to break any records or impress anyone with my prowess.  I'm in this for me.  It is actually my favorite thing to do on Mother's Day.  To me, it represents:

• Showing my children how strong I am.
• Being in the presence of amazing women who inspire me.
• Doing something for myself--physically, emotionally and spiritually.
• Showing myself that I am always capable of more than I think I am.

Today I did a mini tri to just prove to myself that I won't die on Sunday.  I won't.  I'm thinking of it as a just really long, overdue workout.  And then I'll be treated like the princess that I am by my children.  Really, what could be better?