Guilt--The Useless Emotion

I have no creative use for guilt, yours or my own. Guilt is only another way of avoiding informed action, of buying time out of the pressing need to make clear choices, out of the approaching storm that can feed the earth as well as bend the trees.   --Audre Lorde, 1934 – 1992

Boy, I sure have been exploring the guilt theme the last several months.  Actually I've been having as part of my psyche ever since I thought about leaving the marriage and exponentially after I really did and then atmospherically after the kids had their struggles after the divorce. 

Yes, I felt guilty for leaving.  Actually, no, I didn't feel guilty for leaving because I really felt like I needed to for my own (and Robb's) sanity.  I felt guilty that we couldn't make the marriage work.  I felt guilty that the kids' lives were turned upside down by absolutely no fault of their own.  I felt guilty that they had two homes and suitcases.  I felt guilty every time they left something important at the other home.  I felt guilty that they felt angry, sad, depressed.

I can LOGICALLY look at that guilt and say that it isn't serving ANYONE.  I see that my guilt doesn't actually take away any of their pain.  If anything, it robs them of the experience of having their own emotions by my assumption that I can take any of it own.  I also acknowledge that it can make me a less than perfect parent by trying to compensate for what they've lost with what they don't need.  But EMOTIONALLY, it is a harder sell for my heart.  Here's where I've landed on all this, with the help of some good friends.

• If I'm going to take this much credit for the bad that I've brought to them, then I need to take just as much credit for the good.  That they have two good homes (which I'm paying for both, thank you), a good education, a solid faith foundation, experience in sports/music/drama, that they have good morals and are good friends, and that the whole world of opportunities is open to them in ways that very few people have access.
• That the removal of guilt is related to Grace (another topic I've been exploring--worthy of several posts of its own).  If Grace is acceptance and love of who you are for just being who you are--not what you do--then guilt has no place.  I am where I am.  And my children are where they are.  And we are all loved and worthy of that, wherever we are.  And, oh, what a multi-layered onion that is...
• In the long run, this will serve my children well.  I am proof that it does not serve the child well to have the parents in a non-rewarding marriage.  I am hopeful and expecting that Robb and I will find healthier relationships in the future and can still show the kids how that can be done.  And we can model that you can change at any point--it is never too late to go after your bliss.  And we can show them that they are capable of going through great change and chaos and coming out stronger. 
• My guilt is a way of trying to live their pain for them.  In some ways, it is invalidating what they are feeling because I'm focusing on my own emotions of guilt.  I am striving just to be there with them in their emotions and let them feel them--not to take them on as my own.  They are not mine.  And Lord knows, I've got enough of my own--I really don't need theirs too.  They can handle theirs (with my help) and I can handle mine.  Guilt is just a sneaky way of trying to take theirs away from them. 
• Finally, they need me to be a solid, strong, foundational parent who can make the right decisions.  If I'm knee-deep in guilt, I'll make poor decisions, more lenient decisions or decisions based on emotion rather than rationality.  They need me to get over this guilt and just get on to being a good parent. 

So, consider that a little guilt-expunging ritual.  Guilt, be gone!