So I know I'm supposed to be getting sleep and reflecting on the triathlon tomorrow, but I have some reflections on Mother's Day first. On the drive to the Tri Expo today, I had some ahas.
Mother's Day last year was really huge for me. You know those situations when you look back, you realized you totally got worked up for nothing? That was Mother's Day for me last year. I was just so worried that it would be the worst Mother's Day ever. I was just barely settled into my new place, divorce proceedings were under way, but we were still figuring things out. And I think it was the moment that I went, "Wait? What? Robb won't be there?" He wouldn't be there to cheer me on at the race--much less drive the kids and make sure they get there. I didn't know if he would do anything to help the kids get a present (let's be honest--every other Mother's Day, he bought the presents and the cards at the last minute and just made the kids sign them). The kids didn't have any money and I wasn't sure they'd even remember. I could more easily see them bitching about getting up early, how hot it was and how tired they were than I could see them spoiling and celebrating me. I asked my friends Nicki and Rachel to please come to the tri and support me because I was expecting a disaster (good news: they loved it so much they're doing it themselves this year!!)
Now, that I look back, I realize that the issue was the transition but also worry about whether I DESERVED a pampering Mother's Day. I was still full of guilt about the divorce with the kids. And I wasn't at the place where I felt entitled to ask for anything for myself yet (oh, I've gotten better at that). It turns out that I had nothing to worry about. The boys were beyond sweet, gave me wonderful homemade gifts and treated me like a princess all day. It was a beautiful Mother's Day.
But when I also look at it, Mother's Day last year was also a milestone. I'd call Mother's Day 2010-Mother's Day 2011 the year of the Breakdown of the Marriage. It was in the summer of 2010 that I started thinking about leaving seriously. By Mother's Day 2011, Robb and I had dealt with the biggest divorce issues and had established the "new" relationship that is still essentially what it is today--one of polite professionalism but still caring for each other and the kids. And it was that moment before the tri that I realized I was co-parenting and single parenting at the same time.
I'll call Mother's Day 2011-Mother's Day 2012 the year of the Breakdown of the Kids. Right after Mother's Day last year, the kids started falling apart and continued all &%$# year. We are hopefully just coming out of that now. Really, that is me drawing another line in the sand and saying "see, we've passed a milestone--it's over, right?" (Please let it be over).
Next year--Mother's Day 2012-Mother's Day 2013 is going to be better. It will be the year of the the Breakdown of boundaries, of walls, or anything that impedes more genuine authentic relationships--especially with my kids.
Oh, I'm not a perfect Mother--far from it. And I promise you my children aren't perfect. But we're all doing the best we can and getting better every single day.
To anyone who is a mother, has had a mother or knows a mother, Happy Mother's Day!
No comments:
Post a Comment