There is a time to Live and a Time to Die

There is no need to be afraid of death. It is not the end of the physical body that should worry us. Rather, our concern must be to live while we’re alive – to release our inner selves from the spiritual death that comes with living behind a façade designed to conform to external definitions of who and what we are. Every individual human being born on this earth has the capacity to become a unique and special person unlike any who has ever existed before or will ever exist again… When you live as if you’ll live forever, it becomes too easy to postpone the things you know that you must do. You live your life in preparation for tomorrow or in remembrance of yesterday, and meanwhile, each day is lost. In contrast, when you fully understand that each day you awaken could be the last you have, you take the time that day to grow, to become more of who you really are, to reach out to other human beings.

--Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, 1926 – 2004


So I still continue to be involved with our neighbors in the tragic suicide of our friend Dan.  Last night I officiated his internment.  His family had a funeral the weekend after his death.  And they were cremating his body because his parents wanted to lay him to rest in Pennsylvania and his family here wanted him in Florida.  So they split the ashes.  The boys actually wanted a plot where they could come and visit him and where it would be memorialized.  So that service happened last evening and I was the officiant.  

Yes, I was intimidated.  But then I realized that I knew exactly what to do.  This family was rushing to get the initial funeral done.  And then they've had the focus on this goodbye.  But basically, it has been five weeks of preparing to say goodbye--and just not wanting to do that.  So I knew my message needed to be about letting go. 

After some opening words (my own way of calling in the natural elements of air, fire, water and earth), I read a poem that was entitled, "Miss Me But Let Me Go."  That set the tone--and I talked about it pretty openly.  Then I  worked on the other thing that I was hoping that they could reframe.  There had been so much focus on his tragic and awful death.  But I calculated that the time of his great distress was only 1/1000th of his life.  I encouraged them to focus on how he lived and not how he died.  I ended with the Ecclesiastes poem about how there is a time for everything and I promised them that there will be a time for them to dance again.  And then we put his ashes in the ground and had everyone put flowers with their love and energy into them. 

It was difficult, but it was also very appropriate and even beautiful.  I really hope it brings some peace to the family, who are still really struggling.

So I've done a wedding, a funeral and about a dozen Sunday services.  Can this be considered on-the-job training for my next career as a minister? 

My final words from last night:

 

He is Gone by David Harkins

You can shed tears that he is gone,

Or you can smile because he lived,

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,

Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him

Or you can be full of the love that you shared,

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone

Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,

Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on