The Universe Knows

God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.   --Terry Pratchett in "Good Omens"

I often call the concept of God "the universe."  That's because the word God connotes an old male omnipotent figure who judges people with a lightening bolt in his hand.  I believe that we are all part of the divine, the energy that we share is the divine and that all of the universe is part of the divine.  If something is done, I like referring to the universe doing that rather than God doing it.  It just feels more appropriate. 

Well, the universe has been very busy in my life the last couple of years (with quite a bit of help from me, of course).  And I usually don't know why things happen until much later, if at all.  But sometimes, the Universe just gives me little gifts that just make me laugh or shake my head.  I've gotten a few of them recently.

• My iPod seems to run out of battery at very interesting times.  Usually, it is exactly when I need to be listening to nature or friends or just silence.  But hardly ever do I ever regret that I didn't have it.
• During the half-marathon, it was critical that I stay within a 16 min mile range and I had the perfect watch to help me manage my pace.  I was really worried that I'd fall under that with walking by the end of the race.  But, the watch ran out of batteries right after mile two.  I just laughed.  Because the universe was OBVIOUSLY telling me to stop worrying about the pace or the time and just run.  And I did.  I didn't even know my time until later that night.  I was grateful to the universe for that one.
• In Jamaica, I sprained my knee.  Oh well, I guess I just had to sit on the lounge chair and read my book.  Thanks Universe!

As a side note, I highly recommend the book that this quote comes from.  Good Omens is a slightly tongue-in-cheek look at the Apocalypse if it were to happen in modern times (just imagine the horsemen replaced with men on Harleys and an archangel losing the anti-Christ).  Terry Pritchett also joined forces with Neil Gaimon to write the Graveyard Book, another one of my favorites (what if a 18-month old child being chased by bad guys was rescued and raised by ghosts in a graveyard--cool!).  Which leads me to the book that I read all vacation.  American Gods by Neil Gaimon.  Fascinating, wonderful writing and amusing.  A big recommend. 

I'm sure that the universe designed it for me to read it on this trip.

How Wonderful!

How wonderful it is to be able to feel things deeply!
The sheer delight of fresh air when you have been indoors all day;
The never ending wonder of sunrise and sunset;
The sound of wind through the trees and the utter wetness of the rain;
The excitement of finding something that was lost and is found:
My fountain pen,
A beautiful word forgotten,
The return of an old book,
The reconciliation after estrangement,
The first step after months of illness…
How wonderful!

--Howard Thurman, 1899 – 1981


Jamaica, Jamaica, how wonderful were you?  So wonderful that I can barely come up with words.  But I think that is my role here....to come up with words, so I'll try. 

THE WEATHER WAS WONDERFUL--It never got too cold and it was never really too hot.  I expected the evenings to be cool, but they were as beautiful and delightful as the days.  It rained for an hour, but even that was beautiful.  Someone at the resort actually called it liquid sunshine.

THE PEOPLE WERE LOVELY--Like, really lovely.  So lovely that we started wondering about their intentions.  They were so friendly, funny, kind and just cool that we were convinced that they were trolling for tips.  What does that say about us? 

THE DRINKS ARE AWESOME--How is it that everything there tasted better?  I'm not a rum drinker, but it just seemed inappropriate to drink anything but rum or Red Stripe.  So we did.  Every time up at the bar, I asked the bartender what they recommended and I don't think I had a single drink twice.  And, yes, I fell in love with Red Stripe Light.

THE RESORT WAS OVER-THE-TOP--We stayed at Beaches, the family resort of the Sandal's family.  It was an all-inclusive resort and, unlike a cruise that says it is all-inclusive but then charges you for everything, this really was all-inclusive.  Including things that we just didn't expect, like water-skiing, sailboats, top shelf alcohol, great food and outstanding restaurants, 3 pools, a waterslide and a lazy river.  And really nice rooms (with great linens).

WE HAD A BUTLER--I've never felt so spoiled.  Because we had a 3 bedroom suite, we got a butler.  There were two of them who switched off:  Carla and Ricardo.  Their job was to get us anything we needed.  At first felt really bad asking for anything (white privilege guilt and weird slavery issues to still be resolved), but we got over it.  On the first night, Kyle thought of the calling and asking for cookies.  After that, we had cookies everywhere we went.  But the best was the beach.  The first morning, we saw everyone reserving beach chairs and scrounging for towels.  But NO, our butler had set up eight chairs under an awning with towels already laid out and additional towels made into animal shapes.  And even better, there was a cooler filled with our favorite beverages (they already knew all our family's needs could be met with water, Diet Coke and beer!).  The extra touches, special care and just all around kindness was beyond what we could imagine. 

THE BEACH WAS DIVINE--White sand...as soft as snow...leading to crystal clear blue water.  The water was even the perfect temperature.  And the sun set right over the beach with a fantastic show.  It was like someone drew perfection and we just walked into it. 

I JUST SAT AND READ--Lynn wanted to try every water sport.  Eric wanted to try every food station.  Kyle wanted to take naps (and sneak a few rum drinks).  I just wanted to sit on the lounge chair on the beach and read.  I wanted to read A LOT.  I just wanted to watch the ocean, see the sun rise, see the sun set and read.  So, while everyone else did what they wanted, I did what I wanted (but also learned how to Paddleboard--which is really cool).  Luckily, when I banged up my knee, that is exactly what I needed to do.  Have it propped up and not move it. 

Luckily I had a Butler to bring me ice and fruity rum drinks. 

Live Every Day To The Fullest

It’s only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth – and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up – that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.  --Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

How quickly things can change.  I've been thinking about the Treyvon Martin case and how quickly that whole family's life changed.  Our circumstances the last year have proved how quickly a phone call or a conversation can change things.  And I found out today that a good friend just suddenly lost her stepfather this past week in a boating accident. 

I truly believe in living each day to the fullest, but sometimes I just don't do it.  Lately, I haven't been exercising, I've been feeling bad for myself or just hibernating.  (To be fair, I think I have needed some of that.) 

And on Saturday, I got a little taste of how quickly things could change.  It is NOWHERE near the examples I gave above, but it certainly would have changed my world for a short time.  For a few hours, I worried that I had torn something in my knee.  It was some real pain and my head of course started thinking of the future:  how I was going to get through a trip this week, surgery, recovery by myself, not doing the triathlon, gaining weight, etc.  I hated the idea and where my head went with it. 

I don't have an unlimited time on earth.  And for a week, I'm in a brace and a prescription anti-inflammatory and no exercise for a week with a sprained MCL.  But I'm grateful for the time after that and every day that my body is healthy, my mind is positive and my future is bright.  I need to remember to live each day to fullest--emotionally and physically--and be very, very grateful for it.

(And, I can't wait to write about the trip to Jamaica, the unlimited food and drink, the skiing and paddleboarding, the gorgeous beach and the blast we had on banana boat tube ride behind a motor boat with my family that resulted in the bum knee).

The Freedom of Possibility

The moment when first you wake up in the morning is the most wonderful of the twenty-four hours. No matter how weary or dreary you may feel, you possess the certainty that…absolutely anything may happen. And the fact that it practically always doesn’t, matters not one jot. The possibility is always there.  --Monica Baldwin, 1893 – 1975

I have to admit, that I don't normally wake up in the morning awash with the joy and excitement of the day.  I personally think that the only people who do that are in fabric detergent or sleeping medication commercials.  Somedays I just want to lay in bed and read my book rather than get up.  Sometimes I'm in a hurry to get up.  But I'm not usually excited.  But I do admit that there is something fresh, hopeful and promising about a new day. 

Today was a new day in a literal and figurative way.  Our family has been through some more stressful adventures the last few weeks and we got really good news yesterday.  And today it was refreshing to wake up without the shadow of the events hanging over us.  We woke up with the knowledge that our day was our own to make what we could with it instead of it belonging to anyone else.  Of course, every day is like that, but today felt more like it than usual.

So we did make what we could with it.  I got through my work as quickly as I could and we alll headed out to the beach.  Kyle with friends to Cocoa Beach and Eric and I (with one of Eric's friends) to New Smyrna Beach.  The waves literally washed us fresh and we laughed and dreamed and relaxed. 

The boys and I head to Jamaica with my Mom and sister's family on Thursday morning.  Those mornings are going to be delicious.  I am going to wake with few plans and lots of possibilities.  Anything could happen.  I'm counting on three things:  kids having fun, sitting on a beach chair drinking fruity drinks with umbrellas and enjoying the sun and books.  Anything beyond that is a delicious possibility.

Losing Yourself

To me there is in happiness an element of self-forgetfulness. You lose yourself in something outside yourself when you are happy; just as when you are desperately miserable you are intensely conscious of yourself, are a solid lump of ego weighing a ton.   --J.B. Priestley, 1894 – 1984

I just got back from the beach.  My mom has a condo there for a couple of months and her time is almost done and it is my first time there.  In my eyes, that is a sin--not just because I should spend more time with my mom, but because it is the beach, for Goddess' sake!

I got there and was in my swimsuit and on the sand with my book and a beach chair in record time.  I read an entire fluff book there on the beach.  Then I had friends come join me and we had an evening of drinking and being just silly.  They actually couldn't go to sleep because we were laughing too much.  How awesome is that?  This morning we meant to workout or walk or be productive.  But I sat around and read and ate cookies for breakfast instead.  Productivity will come later. 

There are times we take all of our lives too seriously and we need to have some "self-forgetfulness."  A drink, the sound of the beach, a good walk on the sand and a good laugh. 

I've had enough time of being a solid lump of ego weighing a ton.  And I'm sure I'll have more (my Monday morning is going to pack quite a punch of that, I'm sure), but for 24 hours, I was very grateful to just "lose myself."

We do not know enough to be pessimistic.

If we can recognize that change and uncertainty are basic principles, we can greet the future and the transformation we are undergoing with the understanding that we do not know enough to be pessimistic.  --Hazel Henderson

My life is so blessed.  My life is so fucked up.  How is it that both of those can co-exist at the same time? 

Really, the last 18 months have been quite difficult.  And I'm really ready for that to be all over.  My friends are ready for that to be over.  Lord knows that my children and my wasband are ready for that to be over.  I think even the dog wants it to be done.  But just wanting it doesn't make it happen.

I have been an eternal optimist.  I have a bumper sticker on my car that says "If anything can go well, it well" and I truly believe that.  I am also a big believer that what you put energy into has a life of its own: If you believe the best in people, they will show you that; if you believe good will happen, it often does.  But I'm starting to wonder.  Is it that my beliefs are wrong or is it that the more I'm looking at what is hard in my life right now is making it harder? 

Or, a third option, is it that nothing that we do really makes a difference?  No, I really don't believe that.  I believe that my thoughts DO make a difference.

My good friend Bentley wrote a poem last week and a line in it really stuck with me.  He wrote:
                                    Should I stop feigning that I am confident
                                    that what awaits is benevolent?

Exactly!

So I'm trying to figure out if I need an attitude adjustment (again), more patience until the good shows up or just acceptance that this is what it is right now.  Probably all three.  But for now, I'm going to stick with the quote at the top of this post:  I don't know enough to be pessimistic.  I will choose to be optimistic. 

The Next Relationship

A sanctified relationship is one in which neither party silences or sacrifices, and each is responsible for expressing his or her strength and vulnerability. Real closeness, I now know, cannot be pursued or demanded. Love is the passion of people clarifying their beliefs and values through each other. --Phoebe Eng

Doesn't that sound like an amazing thing?  A relationship that has those qualities?  I only hope for a future relationship like that.

This evening Eric asked me when I was going to start dating again.  Robb has been dating and the kids are aware of it.   

At the beginning, I thought I should start dating after about a year.  I even put a line in the sand at the year's anniversary.  But that was just a line in the sand that didn't mean anything.  I'm on my journey to find and fall in love with myself and I'm in no rush to replace the relationship I was in. 

I also have told the kids that I don't think I'm going to be dating seriously until they are stable.  Eric laughed at that; he knew exactly what I meant.  They are NOT stable right now--they're all over the place.  And while I respect Robb's desire to date, it also adds a level of instability to our revised family scenario. 

Plus, I reminded Eric that I wasn't sure if I would be dating men or women or both.  That adds another dimension of insecurity.  And then this is the most hysterical part of my son's reaction.  He has repeatedly said that he's fine with me dating women (yes, we raised him as a Unitarian Universalist--hooray!).  But, he said he WILL have a problem with another man coming into my life.  In his words, "I just can't think of another man screwing my mom."  Yes, that child has a way with words.  I actually love that he is the opposite of 80% of all Americans; my son is fine if I go into a homosexual relationship but will have an issue if I go into a traditional heterosexual relationship. 

As if he has a say….

Actions and Consequences

Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions.  All life is an experiment.  The more experiments you make the better.  What if they be a little coarse, and you may get your coat soiled or torn?  What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice?  Up again; you shall never be so afraid of a tumble.   --Ralph Waldo Emerson

At major times in my life, the decisions I’ve made have seemed SOOOOO big.  I’m choosing a major—what if I choose the wrong one?  Should I take this job?  What if the move doesn’t turn out well, what if I’m not qualified?  The divorce seemed like the biggest thing in the world at the time that it happened.  There were days that I was literally surprised that the sun kept rising and setting as it felt that seismic to me (I know, dramatic, but true).  Was I making the right decision?  What would be the ramifications?  How could I know?  Would I regret it? 

What I love about this quote is that it forces us to put it all in perspective and look at the long-view of our decisions.  Sometimes we see them in the very short view--what it means right now rather than how we may see it in 10 or 20 years.  Unfortunately, there's not a guide for this life—we’re experimenting. 

When my children were little, I remember Robb and I talking about the fact that we needed to let them fail, screw up and get hurt.  My philosophy was that we could shield them from it and then we’d just delay them understanding how things work.   OR, we could show them that if you try something and it turns out not to be so good, then they can learn to make different decisions. 

Well, sometimes that philosophy takes turns that we don't expect.  Sometimes they fall and skin their knees.  But this week one of my kids had a pretty massive screw up.  He is learning that extreme actions have more severe consequences.  It is hard to see them fail.  It is harder to see them experience the consequences.  And I just hope that the soiled coat truly makes for a stronger, more solid adult. 

This experiment of my last year or so has been a little course and my coat got soiled and torn.  But, you know what?  I got up again.  And I’m not half as afraid of tumbling.  The world doesn’t end.  It goes on and so do I, with learning that I’m tougher than I thought I was.

I hope my son learns and experiences the same thing.

Peace Amidst The Turmoil

Absence of turmoil is not real peace. Real peace is when you rise above the turmoil and stay peaceful in the midst of it.
- Swami Satchidananda

Remember when my new year's resolution was a calm and boring 2012.  Well, that is apparently not in the cards.  Maybe I'll get it in 2013.  So, I'm taking the Swami's approach instead.    

The only problem is that I'm not sure how to do it.  I'm going to need some guideance and reminders.  So here are my reminders to myself to stay peaceful in the midst of turmoil:

1. Take time for yourself. 
2. Exercise is the best way to feel better, I promise.  Endorphins, positive energy, letting off steam--it offers it all.
3. Remember that everyone is doing the best they can.  Sometimes it meets what you need and sometimes it doesn't.  But we're all trying.
4. Often what we say isn't what we really mean.  Our emotions may just be hijacking our words.  Remember that for yourself as well as others.
5. Remember that everything will pass.  It may take its sweet time, but it will.
6. The answer to everything is love each other.  Really, every single thing.
7. Remember to be grateful.  My life is still full of so much greatness and abundance.
8. Enjoy the small pleasures.  Luckily kittens provide a lot of small pleasures.
9. Eat well.  Don't indulge in comfort food--it won't solve anything and may create new problems.
10. Lean on friends.  They are there for you no matter what goes on.  And if they love you this much while the shit storms around you, just imagine how great they'll be when you're boring and happy.

Photos of the Pixie Dust Exhaust

I'm still enjoying the exhaust of pixie dust. Along the course, I took 83 pictures (yes--I actually did run too!). I want to keep them here to save them for me, but you may enjoy seeing them too. If nothing else, you can see just what an amazing event Disney puts on and the 20,000 people who enjoyed it with me. Race? What race? The miles went fast because there was so much going on. Enjoy the virtual half-marathon--without the soreness!

I woke at 2:30, on the road at 3,
in the holding area at 4 and here
in the "corrals" at 5 for a 6:09 start.
After hearing about all the costumes,
I added a light-up tiara and a princess
temporary tattoo.

At the starting line, the Fairy Godmother sent
us off with a magic chant "alakazam..." and fireworks
for every single group!

There was SOMETHING about every third of a mile. Here,
all the Disney princes were there to greet the running Princesses.
In many of these shots, you'll see other people posing. That's because
the line for photos was about 10-20 people long (and I wasn't confident
that I could take that much time off my run). But it is fun to see the types
of people and their costumes!

Me at the entrace of Magic Kingdom. Yes, the sun is barely coming up.

My favorite group of characters--the villians. They looked a little too glad to see us--
they must have known exactly how much further we had to go!

They had volunteers there to take pictures of us at
the different milestones. It was a BLAST to run through
the Magic Kingdom. The easiest two miles of my
running life!

There were these signs at each mile. I took a picture of EVERY one (that's what I'm blaming my slow time on). But this one was significant because the majority of my runs had only been six miles. Six was the level I was comfortable with--what comes after six I considered scary territory.



This was one of the surreal moments--During the hour before the
race, they interviewed all kinds of celebrities on the big screen,
including three beauty pageant winners, including Miss USA.
I saw them in Magic Kingdom and asked for a picture
because I thought it was funny and ironic.

At this stop, there were "princes" asking for our hands
in marriage. Given my current marital status
(and lack of a line), I couldn't pass up the
chance to have fun with them.
They ended up fighting over me and trying
to get me to accept their silver studded sneaker!

As the race went on, I needed more breaks
and the lines were longer--perfect solution!

Yeah, she's looking sexy. Me, not so much.

I'm still smiling!

This is in honor of my kids.
One of my favorite Mother's Day gifts
was a Mrs. Incredible Disney Pin.
I was wasn't feeling very stretchy at this point
but I did feel pretty incredible.

I LOVED her! She was there by the entrance of Epcot.
I think it delighted her to see how much see delighted us!
She got a hug from me for that!

Inside Epcot--only 2 miles to go, but none of the characters had anyone there?
Did everyone lose their sense of whimsy? Chip and Dale--Chip is the one with the
brown nose--like a Chocolate Chip (yes, I'm a Disney geek!)

She was at the last mile and had a mike on her.
Not a Disney princess (because they don't talk),
but she was cheering us on by name and making funny comments.

Look! Up there! It's the finish line!

I was distracted at the finish line because this man proposed
just as I was crossing. He asked her to be his "forever princess."
I caught them hugging steps after I crossed the line. Very sweet.