"The heart of compassion is really acceptance. The better we are at accepting ourselves and others, the more compassionate we become. Well, it's difficult to accept people when they are hurting us or taking advantage of us or walking all over us. This research has taught me that if we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior." -Brene Brown
Okay, I'll admit that I'm writing this with a pounding headache on the morning after drinking way too much on my last night in London, before leaving to catch my flight home. So I think it is ironic that this is about SETTING BOUNDARIES!!
When I first read the quote above in Brene's book, I went "WHA?" It felt totally disconnected. And, I have to admit, I really struggle with it. And while she says things quite differently, this is what I take from it.
If we don't set up boundaries for ourselves, we'll resent the other person, we'll start blaming them, deciding that we don't want to be around them, start thinking of them as a bad person--whatever. THAT is the opposite of compassion. We need to set boundaries for ourselves so that we can live in that compassionate place. We need to set boundaries on their ACTIONS so that we don't start attacking them as a PERSON.
Additionally, we need to hold people accountable for their actions when they impact us, rather than using shame, distance or personal attacks. It is MUCH EASIER to go to the shame/blame/distance game than put a mirror up and ask someone to be accountable for what they did. But if we don't, we can't be compassionate.
Really....I'm struggling with this. I get it, but it feels like I have to totally change a paradigm in my head for it. First of all, I have to deal with my own worthiness issues to say that I'm important enough to put up boundaries, to hold someone accountable. But in a way, by seeing that this is the more compassionate way, it makes it easier.
When I look back at my marriage, I think my biggest mistake was not making it clear how unhappy I was. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, I didn't want him to feel bad. Really, I was justing WILLING it to get better by not addressing all my feelings. It was too hard to look at them, analyze them and then hold them up to him. But, of course, that would have been the more compassionate thing to do. It may not have changed anything, but holding him accountable for his actions (and me accountable for mine), would have made it more authentic.
Ugh. All this would give me a headache...even if I wasn't hungover...
That does it. Now I have to go out and buy this book.
ReplyDeleteMight I add, compassion for yourself also means letting go of the guilt associated with mistakes made in the past. I'm not saying I'm good at it. I'm just saying I'm aware of it.
We can look back and see where we slipped up with the boundary issues. "Right there. And there. Oh, and there, too." But we can't change it. We learn from it, pick up and go on. And hope that, by pointing out those mistakes to ourselves, we will recognize them when they present themselves again. Because they will. And it will take time to see them in the moment. But we can, and we will.
{you} - that's me giving you a hug