"Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them--we can only love others as much as we love ourselves." --Brene Brown
When people ask me if I'm dating anyone, my answer has been "Yes, I'm dating myself." And that's not a flippant way to blow them off, but a genuine response. I've realized that this is what this time is. And these "self-dates" are some of the best dating experiences I've ever had (well, that says something about my dates, probably).
When I left for the separation, my biggest goal of that time was to "find Christine." I felt like I had lost her, like she had been subsumed by the relationship issues, the work, the obligations, etc. And, gratefully, I found her. Unfortunately, the woman I found didn't want to be married anymore, but she was far from dead.
I'm really enjoying the time I have alone. Kailey is getting settled in her job and she and Merrick have moved out. This is the first night that I have the place entirely to myself--no kids, no babies, no guests, no one--for two months. I've missed my date nights. I can do anything I want. I usually clean up the apartment--it is pretty fast when it's just me! I often journal and listen to music. Sometimes I cook, sometimes I just sit and be. But I love the time. And I have really missed having it.
I hear many young couples say "I'll make you happy." The truth is that I couldn't make Robb happy nor could I be responsible for loving him enough so he could love himself. Only he could do that. And only I can do it for myself. For as long as I want.
I remember the days when my kids were little and I would have given my right arm for 5 minutes alone. And now I live alone (half the time, when Chelsea is away at school and Ian is with his dad) so I get much more alone time than I ever imagined.
ReplyDeletePeople ask me, "Does it feel strange?" And I answer, "It is wonderful." It's not that I don't love my kids or the new man in my life. It's that I am getting a chance to know myself, and it turns out I like her, a lot more than I used to.
I get you, babe. I really do.
More power to you . I still struggle with being alone, or with myself. By "dating" yourself, you will be in a better place for someone and easier to be "happy".
ReplyDeleteI did the therapy thing for two and half years, and the last thing we were working on was me being comfortable by myself. I tried it half-hearted, then realized I liked the co-dependent lifestyle. :-)
Dating ..... That's a whole different animal.
Tom