Before I launch into this, let me claim all my "imperfections." In the world of trying to look perfect, I think I've done it the most in my parenting. I have tried to look like a "ideal parent" with "enlightened kids." But we are SO not perfect--by any stretch of the imagination. This is difficult for me because I always dreamed I'd be the most awesomest mother. But I've had many, many moments where I have been far from that. And my relationship with my kids has been far from what I wanted it to be.
Being on my own, I'm also realizing how I parent on my own, versus how I parented with Robb. And it is different. Instead of doing everything as a team (and don't get me wrong, we are still team parenting--probably better than we ever have), I'm deciding what I feel, and what kind of relationship I want. I'm not worrying about what kind of relationship the kids have with Robb or what kind of unified front we're putting up. In fact, I now think that the unified front created an us versus them mentality (as fronts are supposed to do) that is totally gone now on my side. I've realized that some compromises that I made for the sake of unity were decisions I didn't fully support--and maybe shouldn't have supported.
Anyway, last night I had the kind of evening with my boys that I dreamed about when they were little. There was nothing planned, but conversations and connections just HAPPENED. And kept happening. And then happened some more. After being gone for so long, I had absolutely no plans this weekend except for hanging out with them. Of course, they had plans, so I was just hanging out until they felt like they wanted to hang with me. I talked Eric into going out to dinner with me, where he started talking about faith, his thoughts on evil, opinions on people who do drugs--just everything fantastic, deep and profound that is Eric (hmmmm, wonder where he gets that?). And then Kyle came home after a party and we just sat at the dinner table and talked. And talked. And talked. Then Eric came in to just play guitar while we talked (but I know he wanted to come and listen to see what we were talking about). We talked about things we hadn't discussed (our family has had a LOT of things we don't discuss--remember the "perfect" thing) and things that we needed to process. Some of it was related to the divorce and some of it was just topical.
I know that these conversations aren't just RANDOM. It was the perfect storm of being available, the kids being in a place where they wanted to share (e.g. the middle of the night) and me being VULNERABLE and AUTHENTIC. Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, the final was the special sauce that I think made it all come together. I was real and allowed them to be real. And I was still their mother and needed to keep those boundaries at times, but we had the kind of open conversation that you have with two emerging young men. I was able to talk openly about some of my regrets as a parent and my wishes for my relationship with them going forward. And we were able to talk about the divorce honestly (but a note for ANYONE going through this--never in a way that disparaged their father!!) and their relationships with both of us. Interestingly, they were also seeing two DIFFERENT relationships coming out of this as well, rather than one relationship with that parental front. I think that's how it was always meant to be.
In a life of imperfections, this was a perfect evening. And in a year of messy imperfection, it was just delicious!
P.S. After last night, I don't think the kids OR I are ready for me to date. I still want your feedback on yesterday's post and we'll consider it on December 6th again, but yikes!
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