Plenty of Music

I think I should have no other mortal wants, if I could always have plenty of music. It seems to infuse strength into my limbs and ideas into my brain. Life seems to go without effort, when I am filled with music.  --George Eliot, 1819 – 1880

Right now I'm tired of thinking about  my feelings, hard times, and other negative things on my blog.  I feel like some of my posts are real downers.  And while there is still drama and negative things happening, I just need a musical interlude. 

I found this quote on my daily feed from a Unitarian Universalist minister and it describes how I feel about music.  From my earliest days, I remember having a music soundtrack to my life.  Chicago was the band of my first boyfriend.  Asia was the band of the summer I left for Spain.  When I was in labor with Eric (a very fast process) all I was focused on was getting the music going.  Christmas isn’t a holiday until the Christmas music is playing.  And getting music wired into the house was one indulgence that I felt totally justified in having—it made me happy. 

When I turn on the music (and boy how my life has improved with Pandora), my blood pressure goes down.  I breathe better and I can just sit and be.  When the music is playing, I actually enjoy the chores of cleaning, laundry and bill paying.  I love putting my itunes on random and having songs from my past just show up and unveil a memory that I had long forgotten. 

In my crazy world, the moments I treasure are the ones where I can turn on the music and just sit in my red chaise and journal, think, rest or just be.  That’s the ideal, but having the music with anything makes my life better.

Coming Out Better on the Other Side

The encouraging thing is that every time you meet a situation, though you may think at the time it is an impossibility and you go through the tortures of the damned, once you have met it and lived through it you find that forever after you are freer than you ever were before. If you can live through that, you can live through anything. You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face… The danger lies in refusing to face the fear, in not daring to come to grips with it. If you fail anywhere along the line, it will take away your confidence. You must make yourself succeed every time. You must do the thing you think you cannot do.  --Eleanor Roosevelt


I just had a friend give me a piece of advice a couple of weeks ago:  If you want to feel better, listen to someone who has a story that is worse than yours.  Well, the last few weeks ago, I've heard a lot of stories worse than mine; some of the stories belong to people very close to me and they break my heart.  And I've decided that I'm not very fond of my friend's advice.  No, I don't feel better--I feel worse for them and my problems are still there as well. 

The interesting thing is that I'm mildly excited for my loved ones for having to go through these rough times as well.  Not in a sadistic way, but in the way that Eleanor Roosevelt describes.  Because, in my opinion, anyone who is worth their weight in salt will take a bad situation, live through it and come out the other side having learned something and use it to make their life better.   And while we're getting through the hard stuff, I can be there and see how awful it is.  But I can also look forward and see what growth and freedom that will come for these beautiful people for walking through the "tortures of the damned."  I'm confident that will be true for me and I'm even more confident that it will be true for them as well. 

Telling Our Story

"In order to deal with shame, some of us move awayby withdrawing, hiding, silencing ourselves and keeping secrets.  Some of move toward by seeking to appease and please.  And some of us move against by trying to gain power over others, by being aggressive, and by using shame to fight shame. 

Most of us use all of these--at different times with different folks for different reasons.  Yet all of these strategies move us away from our story.  Shame is about fear, blame and disconnection.  Story is about worthiness and embracing the imperfections that bring us courage, compassion and connection.  If we want to live fully, without the constant fear of not being enough, we have to own our story." --Brene Brown

Yes, this post is about Story.  I've always liked a good story.  I like hearing people's story because--whether they intend to or not--they reveal something about themselves.  And usually it helps me learn something about them and something about myself. 

Interestingly, it has been hearing other women's stories during this past year that has been the most helpful to me.  At times, I haven't know where or how to process my own emotions, feelings or story.  So hearing other people tell theirs gave me context, thoughts, and insights.  It was also refreshing to see what was under the facade we all show each other.  If the story is authentic, it gives me courage to be more authentic myself. 

There are certain circumstances when stories just naturally come out.  When I got engaged, I found people wanted to tell me their engagement stories.  I found out as soon as I was pregnant that women just LOVE to tell their pregnancy and childbirth stories.  When other things happen--the first visit to the emergency room with your kids, first European vacation, death of parents--people want to tell their own story because it made such an impact on them.  And I've found a new club--the divorced club.  People who have gone through it want to talk about it.  It changes them forever and they want to tell you what to expect, how they made it through and/or how awful their ex was to them. 

Normally, I'd shun away from that entirely.  But I'm learning that everyone has their journey and I've learned something from each one.  Sometimes it's only to recognize how very lucky I am in my journey.  I don't have abuse, bankruptcy, custody battles or harassment involved in my story.  Sometimes it's hearing how the story changed them.  And always, it is a sense of support and kinship. 

So, I will feel better about claiming my own story and telling it.  And hearing more stories.  I hope you can claim your story and can also share it with the world.  It helps you to have it; it helps the world for you to tell it.

Going Crazy

"No one can drive us crazy unless we give them the keys."

So what?  I'm going a little crazy.  Everyone goes through it, right? 

I realized today that I was on three continents and four cities in one week.  That should drive someone crazy right there.  But that's not what is driving me crazy.

I've been out of town or worked every single day for the last 15 days.  That should drive someone really crazy.  But that is not what is driving me crazy. 

Until last night, I hadn't bought a single thing for Christmas and still had a lot of gaps on my Christmas list.  That should drive me crazy, but it didn't. 

No, what is driving me crazy is something I didn't do.  Something I have no control over.  Something that impacts my children, but only impacts me through them (yes, that's significant, but it is not me--there is a difference, I'm learning).  Something that makes me mad and sad, but not the end of the world.  No, I'm letting it drive me crazy because I choose to.  And THAT, is crazy.  Yes, what is crazy is that it is driving me crazy. 

I am also choosing to expect that these holidays are going to be difficult and sad.  That's also a crazy choice.  Why would I choose that?  This is an attitude choice. 

So I am going to TRY to make a different choice.  I choose to:

• Make my own healthy choices that are in the best interest of me and my children.  And to make such good choices that they will maybe in some small way counteract any other choices that are affecting their lives negatively.
• Enjoy the holidays.  Don't stress.  Find joy.  Eat, drink and be merry.  Enjoy friends.  Laugh.
• Remember every day how incredibly lucky I am. 

Call me crazy, but I think I can do it. 

Anniversary of December 6th

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~ Anais Nin

Today marks the year anniversary that I left my marriage.  I didn’t know I was leaving it for good—I just knew I needed to get away for awhile to figure things out.  But I had a funny feeling that once I left I wouldn’t be coming back. 

The idea of leaving had first crossed my mind six years before.  At the time I felt like I had two options.

1.    Leave—but the idea of not being there for my young kids every day broke my heart—and made my bawl.
2.    Stay—and the idea of that made me cry even more. 

It turns out that remaining tight in the bud wasn’t painful enough yet.  Indeed, I wasn’t aware that for the next six years that I would go way deeper into that bud before I decided to risk blossoming. 

Things were bad, then they got worse, then they got better and then they got much better.  And we had couples counseling through much of it.  But slowly, I was losing more of myself, until I just couldn’t take it anymore. 

I wish I could go back to that time a year ago and watch it from an outsider’s perspective.  My head was engaged, because somehow I figured out the logistics of where to go, timing, and that I needed an inflatable mattress.  But the actions were being guided by my gut.  It was an impulse to leave.  It wasn’t impulsive—indeed I’d been moving there for years, months, weeks. 

I knew, at my core, that I was bigger than what I had become in that marriage.  That I was becoming less of what I could be.  I was compromising values that were important to me and sending a message to my soul that I should limit myself.

This is not Robb’s fault.  This is not my fault.  And I don’t know if it could have ended differently if we had taken different paths earlier on.  But I was there, in that moment, and I couldn’t stay in the place where I was.  So I risked.  I risked blossoming.  At the time, I wasn’t sure if what would come out of it was a blossom or a dead flower.  But I had hope that it would be a blossom.  And now I have hope that the blossom that came out of last December 6^th will be a beautiful flower. 

A Hidden Wholeness

“The divided life may be endemic, but wholeness is always a choice.  Once I have seen my dividedness, do I continue to live a contradiction—or do I try to bring my inner and outer worlds back into harmony?”  --Parker J. Palmer, “A Hidden Wholeness”

When my friend Bentley found out that I was going to Brazil for work, he decided I needed to read a book called “A Hidden Wholeness” by Palmer Parker.  Not because it was a book I should read (although he had recommended it before), but because his copy of the book had traveled with other friends to Europe and Africa and he decided that it needed to go to South America with me.

Well, he is right.  I do need to read it.  It really is the step BEFORE Brene Brown’s book.  It’s about why we are not whole so that we can’t live whole-heartedly.  It’s all about how we learn as children to shield off who we really are at our soul’s level to protect our self.  And that it is our life’s journey to return to that wholeness.

He talks a lot about integrity, which has always been a favorite word of mine.  I like to think of someone who lives with integrity and strives for more integrity.  But what is that word?  It is all about integer (a whole number, if my math memory serves me right) and integral (being whole).  It is about being whole with ourselves.

I thought I was whole.  But the more layers I uncover, the more unwhole I realize I have been.  That’s the thing about therapy and becoming healthier—is that you can’t unsee what you find.  In a way, I wish I could go back to being more naïve.  But, I can’t—and I don’t really want to. 

Parker cites some examples of us living a divided life:

• We refuse to invest ourselves in our work, diminishing its quality and distancing ourselves from those it is meant to serve.
• We make our living at jobs that violate our basic values, even when survival does not absolutely demand it.
• We remain in settings or relationships that steadily kill off our spirits.
• We harbor secrets to achieve personal gain at the expense of other people.
• We hide our beliefs from those who disagree with us to avoid conflict, challenge and change.
• We conceal our true identities for fear of being criticized, shunned or attacked. 

I have been most guilty of three and five. 

I’m coming up on one year since I left my marriage—December 6^th.  It was a TERRIBLE time to leave—seriously, 3 weeks before Christmas?  All I knew was that I HAD to leave.  My soul was screaming.  I had to get OUT.  Because I’m me, I had a goal of the separation period—to find Christine.  What I found was that Christine was alive, but buried—and she didn’t want to be.  I was not whole—and I wanted to be.  I take some comfort that, even when my head didn’t know what it wanted, my soul was screaming for it and compelling me to do it. 

So I’m taking a detour, via Brazil, to read “A Hidden Wholeness.”  And to continue my journey to becoming more whole.  Thank you for being with me on the journey. 

Thanksgiving Rehash

People like definite decisions,
Tidy answers, all the little ravelings
Stripped off, the lint removed, they
Hop happily among their roughs
Calling what they can’t clutch insanity
Or saintliness.
 
(Gwendolyn Brooks, 1917 – 2000)

I was reminded this past holiday weekend about how gray life is.  Not in the depressing way (although this being the first big holiday after the divorce, there was a little of that), but in the not black or white way.  There's a lot of gray. 

I like things clean and tidy.  I like to know what is what, what to expect and I love it when things fit into little compartments.  And life rarely does that.  The related quote to the one above is "if you want to see God laugh, show her your plans."  (Modified slightly to fit my theology).

I had an idea about how this Thanksgiving might go.  I had hopes for how it might go.  But of course, the universe always has other plans.  So I did a lot of going with the flow.  It opened me up for impromptu moments, supporting others on their journeys, confronting issues and just being in the moment--whether the moment was good or bad. 

I know that the socially acceptable answer to how was your holiday is a positive "Great!  Excellent!  I loved the meal and spending time with the family."  For me, the answer was more like "I made it through!"  But don't get me wrong, I understand every single moment just how blessed I am and I am extremely thankful.

Delighting in Joy

"Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair." -Kahlil Gibran

This weekend and today especially, I had just this great, joyful perspective.  Like all of us, I can buried in my own garbage.  I've been feeling like the world was trouncing on me.  Like I was being buried in emotion, duties, events and pressure.  And it wasn't so overwhelming that I just wanted to give up, but it was just the sense that I was waiting to catch a break. 

Over the last few days absolutely NOTHING has changed--except my attitude.  I decided to take myself less seriously.  I decided to stop feeling stressed.  I had one of those moments in the car yesterday where I went "yes, all these things are happening Christine, but how are you feeling RIGHT NOW?"  And I had to admit that "right now, I actually feel pretty good.  Everything is just fine."  I was not looking back and feeling the weight.  And I wasn't looking ahead and feeling the pressure.  Right then in that moment, I was perfectly fine.  Good, even. 

I had a delightful brunch with a new friend, a beer and a walk with an old friend and TV and chores with my children.  Today I was almost childish in my contentedness.  A whimsical gift at the doorstep of a friend, work with intention but not guilt or pressure, a birthday lunch with another friend, a favor for a friend in crisis and then deep theological musings--where we took ourselves too seriously and not seriously all at the same time. 

The universe delights in me delighting in the universe.  How blessed is this life when we just take a moment to revel in it!

The Power of Hope

"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again."--Sarah Ban Breathnach

I just got back from rebuilding a house in New Orleans. And I was struck by a comment by a gentleman who hosted a dinner for all the people who were building houses for St. Bernard Project that week. He has hosted a dinner once a month for the last four years.

He said that what people who helped gave him back was not his home. It was HOPE. His house was under 10 feet of water. Everything was ruined. He had two feet of mud in his living room and his pool was a swamp. He felt violated and despondent. He had no idea how to start and how he would get through it all.

But then people started showing up, strangers started showing generosity and things started to improve. He realized that there were people who cared and he regained hope.

With all the talk about New Orleans, I heard so much about the rebuilding efforts that I thought it must be better by now. But driving through the streets, even I felt like it was hopeless. It's like looking at a hoarder's house and not knowing where to even start cleaning. I think the tragedy of New Orleans is not the destruction, poverty or crime; rather, it is that losing of hope. But for that man, just a few strangers helped give him a sense of hope. And with every 2x4 board we scraped, scrubbed and painted, I was pouring hope into that house for our homeowner named James.

I've had a rough year, but I have never once lost hope for a better future. I hope that the people of New Orleans can individually have that feeling of hope again too.

Loving Ourselves

"Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them--we can only love others as much as we love ourselves."  --Brene Brown

When people ask me if I'm dating anyone, my answer has been "Yes, I'm dating myself."  And that's not a flippant way to blow them off, but a genuine response.  I've realized that this is what this time is.  And these "self-dates" are some of the best dating experiences I've ever had (well, that says something about my dates, probably). 

When I left for the separation, my biggest goal of that time was to "find Christine."  I felt like I had lost her, like she had been subsumed by the relationship issues, the work, the obligations, etc.  And, gratefully, I found her.  Unfortunately, the woman I found didn't want to be married anymore, but she was far from dead. 

I'm really enjoying the time I have alone.  Kailey is getting settled in her job and she and Merrick have moved out.  This is the first night that I have the place entirely to myself--no kids, no babies, no guests, no one--for two months.  I've missed my date nights.  I can do anything I want.  I usually clean up the apartment--it is pretty fast when it's just me!  I often journal and listen to music.  Sometimes I cook, sometimes I just sit and be.  But I love the time.  And I have really missed having it. 

I hear many young couples say "I'll make you happy."  The truth is that I couldn't make Robb happy nor could I be responsible for loving him enough so he could love himself.  Only he could do that.  And only I can do it for myself.  For as long as I want. 

Fitting In Versus Belonging

"One of the biggest surprises in this research was learning that fitting in and belonging are not the same thing, an, in fact, fitting in gets in the way of belonging.  Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted.  Belonging, on the other hand, doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are."  --Brene Brown

So back to Brene Brown (is she blowing anyone else's mind?).  This was a fascinating part of the book for me.  I've never explored why people feel like they need to "fit in," but it makes sense that it is connected to belonging.  People feel that they've got to be a certain way in order to feel like they "belong" to a certain group. 

I've never been a big fan of fitting in.  And early on, I decided that I just didn't want to work that hard to feel like I fit in.  In fact, I've been quite proud of flying my freak flag every once in awhile, sometimes even defiantly. 

But there are times that you feel like you need to do certain things to fit in.  Ironically, I've often felt like I need to do things to fit in with people who are already my friends rather than with people who I don't know.  And there are times that I have curbed who I really am--just dampened it a little--in order to fit in.  I have the assumption that if people saw how incredibly wacky I really was, they'd send me packing.  I'm trying not to do that anymore.  Partly because I don't have the energy.  Partly because I've seen that people actually like me more when I show those parts.  Mostly because I definitely like myself more when I am just me. 

This past week was Homecoming at Oviedo HS. And I had one of those days where you just BUST with pride as a parent. Kyle was part of the Powder Puff cheerleading squad.  He was actually the leader, calling out the different cheers.  My child wasn't concerned with fitting in--he was uniquely, beautifully him.  And it was a joy to see everyone respond to being his joyful, goofy, impulsive, crazy self.  And he belonged just fine there. 

Comments Please

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another,

"What? You too? I thought I was the only one."  --C.S. Lewis

So I know that some of you are reading this.  I see it on my page view counts.  And I'm enjoying doing this and I hope to continue.  But it would enhance the process greatly if we made this more than just a one way conversation.  Now, I'm a lurker on many a blog.  I didn't understand the power of comments until I had this.  So here is my personal appeal for you to comment on my blog--my own Top 10 list, if you will:

1. Some of you have said "I want to comment but I don't want to be the only one."  So if you all do it, you won't be the only one.
2. I have some really interesting people reading this.  You'll benefit from hearing each others' perspectives.  I promise.
3. I am vulnerably asking for  your feedback so I don't feel out in the desert here.
4. I love hearing people's stories and I learn so much from your thoughts and perspectives.
5. I need practice with conflict--if you disagree with me here, I can practice :)
6. Consider it just like Facebook, just longer.  And so many people comment on my Facebook posts--even if it is about mundane stuff.
7. You can feel smart when you say "we were having a discussion on Christine's blog..."
8. You may trigger your own writing impulse.  Who knows, this could be the start of your own creative expression!
9. You know you're thinking the responses.  Just write 'em down...
10. You get tired of hearing just my own voice--wouldn't it be nice to intersperse it with other people's voices as well?

If you come up with more reasons, you can list them in the comments section (see, now I'm just begging).

Please also feel free to tell others about my blog--people who know me or who don't.  It's truly open to everyone except my co-workers and people to whom I was previously married.  :)

48 Hours in Online Dating Hell

"To Thine Self Be True" --Shakespeare

Oh, my dear readers, how did you let me do that?  As soon as I posted about writing a match.com profile, you should have come running and screaming to me saying "that's not for you, you'll hate it!"  But how could you have known (or me either) that just creating a profile gets you active on the site--I didn't!  So within 12 hours, I had several e-mails from people who were trolling me.  I didn't want to go in--but I was curious.  And, oh, could I go on about the marketing expertise of Match.com--they get it and they are good at it...

So I bit and had to subscribe to see the e-mails.  Of the first two, one was quite nice.  So I was deluded to think this was a legitimate way to look.  But then I have been deluged for the last 48 hours with winks and e-mails from people who.....well, let's just say it felt like dating at the DMV!  I associate with literate and intelligent people, so I was shocked at how many people didn't use correct sentence structure, or wrote their profiles in text language.  As a Unitarian Universalist, I think all these people have worth and dignity.  As someone who wants to start dating again (but not now, for SURE), I was appalled and disgusted.

So after being woken up at 3:30 am by a text notifying me that I had a match.com e-mail (really, trolling at 3:30am?) and 48 hours of dating hell, I'm done and cancelled.  I may go back someday, but I'll have to be in a very different mindset and I'll have to be very patient.  And I may have to avoid the men.  But somehow it doesn't seem like feeling picky and going onto match.com are compatible for me. 

Also in the category of "no duh" for you, but suprising for me, men want to date women who are only younger than them.  And they don't want women who make significantly more money than them.  Stupid men!  I don't want to dumb myself down so that I don't intimidate people.

Parenting Moments that Take Your Breath Away

"Nothing has a stronger influence...on their children than the unlived lives of their parents." --Carl Jung

When I first read this quote several months away, it punched me in the stomach.  Because of how it rang true for me and because of the impact and severity of it.  I found this true in the lives of my parents and I could see it true for my children.  And it certainly hit home about the divorce--this was my opportunity to show my children how I lived life.  Not that I hadn't before, but I was literally standing up and claiming my unlived life for myself in the act of leaving. 

Before I launch into this, let me claim all my "imperfections."  In the world of trying to look perfect, I think I've done it the most in my parenting.  I have tried to look like a "ideal parent" with "enlightened kids."  But we are SO not perfect--by any stretch of the imagination.  This is difficult for me because I always dreamed I'd be the most awesomest mother.  But I've had many, many moments where I have been far from that.  And my relationship with my kids has been far from what I wanted it to be. 

Being on my own, I'm also realizing how I parent on my own, versus how I parented with Robb.  And it is different.  Instead of doing everything as a team (and don't get me wrong, we are still team parenting--probably better than we ever have), I'm deciding what I feel, and what kind of relationship I want.  I'm not worrying about what kind of relationship the kids have with Robb or what kind of unified front we're putting up.  In fact, I now think that the unified front created an us versus them mentality (as fronts are supposed to do) that is totally gone now on my side.  I've realized that some compromises that I made for the sake of unity were decisions I didn't fully support--and maybe shouldn't have supported. 

Anyway, last night I had the kind of evening with my boys that I dreamed about when they were little.  There was nothing planned, but conversations and connections just HAPPENED.  And kept happening.  And then happened some more.  After being gone for so long, I had absolutely no plans this weekend except for hanging out with them.  Of course, they had plans, so I was just hanging out until they felt like they wanted to hang with me.  I talked Eric into going out to dinner with me, where he started talking about faith, his thoughts on evil, opinions on people who do drugs--just everything fantastic, deep and profound that is Eric (hmmmm, wonder where he gets that?).  And then Kyle came home after a party and we just sat at the dinner table and talked.  And talked.  And talked.  Then Eric came in to just play guitar while we talked (but I know he wanted to come and listen to see what we were talking about).  We talked about things we hadn't discussed (our family has had a LOT of things we don't discuss--remember the "perfect" thing) and things that we needed to process.  Some of it was related to the divorce and some of it was just topical. 

I know that these conversations aren't just RANDOM.  It was the perfect storm of being available, the kids being in a place where they wanted to share (e.g. the middle of the night) and me being VULNERABLE and AUTHENTIC.  Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, the final was the special sauce that I think made it all come together.  I was real and allowed them to be real.  And I was still their mother and needed to keep those boundaries at times, but we had the kind of open conversation that you have with two emerging young men.  I was able to talk openly about some of my regrets as a parent and my wishes for my relationship with them going forward.  And we were able to talk about the divorce honestly (but a note for ANYONE going through this--never in a way that disparaged their father!!) and their relationships with both of us.  Interestingly, they were also seeing two DIFFERENT relationships coming out of this as well, rather than one relationship with that parental front.  I think that's how it was always meant to be. 

In a life of imperfections, this was a perfect evening.  And in a year of messy imperfection, it was just delicious!

P.S.  After last night, I don't think the kids OR I are ready for me to date.  I still want your feedback on yesterday's post and we'll consider it on December 6th again, but yikes!

Dating? (aka Sum Yourself Up in 4 Paragraphs)

Be a source of joy, and let the critics and haters complain about the world. --Paulo Coelho


So, I spent some time this evening trolling on Match.com.  Fascinating.  Is that where people start?  There looks to be some interesting people, some VERY self-absorbed people and some real losers.  (Oh, that's a value judgment--bad Unitarian, bad, bad Unitarian). 

I had told myself that I'm not going to start dating until December 6th--at least one year from when I left.  It's arbitrary, I know, but it felt right and it's almost around the corner, so I'm going to wait until then.  I'm actually hoping to do some kind of ritual on that date--maybe turning on my profile will be a part of that?!

But after trolling, I found myself intrigued with how people summed themselves up in 4000 characters or less.  Some of them did an excellent job of bringing out their personality and "selling" themselves without selling too hard.  Some of them sent the vibe of "DON'T DATE ME!" and some of them typed it in text type (with no capitalization and u instead of you--yikes!).  But it made me wonder how to sum up myself.  So I dug in and started a profile--without signing up.  I started with the quote that I put on Facebook last week and really loved (listed above).  And then I realized that I already had some of my explanation in the profile for this blog.  I went from there.  Here's what I have.  Feedback is welcome.

I'm a woman of many labels: I'm a deep thinker, I'm a goof, I'm a triathlete, I'm a creative professional, I'm a mother and a good friend, I'm a progressive and a spiritual woman.

I'm all about love--I think the world needs more of it.  I think it matters how we treat the waitress or the man on the street.  I don't believe in grudges.  And I think that whether you think you can do something or that you can't do something, you're probably right. 

I value intelligence--but in the way that is witty, not just brainy.  I love it if you really "get" the Coen Brothers' movies.  I'm open to different political/religious/social beliefs, but it's way sexier if you can defend them from your own perspective, rather than just reciting what you've been told. 

I'm the mother of the two most amazing teenage men that you can imagine.  They spend half of their time with me--their father and I co-parent very well.  I have a very fulfilling career--that and my kids don't allow me tons of time, but the time I have, I like to fill it with adventures--I just tried hangliding this year, I'm training for a half-marathon and I've thought of picking up knitting again.  I'd love to get out and try out that new fusion restaurant or grab the wackiest Groupon deal we can find.  I enjoy spending time with friends or just curling up with a bottle of wine and a movie. 

I've done the traditional marriage with kids--now I'm open to what's next.  Friendship, romance, fun, adventure--bring it on.  I'm old enough to know who I am and I'm young enough to still enjoy it.

So here's the challenge.  I can only be listed as woman seeking man or woman seeking woman--but not both  So where do I start?  Do I pick one to dip my toe in the water?  Which toe?  Or do I set up two accounts? (and pay two memberships--seriously?  Bi-sexuality is expensive!).  Please weigh-in...  

Component Three--Connection

"I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship...One of the greatest barriers to connection is the cultural importance we place on "going it alone."  Somehow we've come to equate success with not needing anyone...Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart.  When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help."  --Brene Brown

There is so much in this quote.  For me, the goal of almost everying is connection.  My friends have called me "Heavy, Deep and Real (HDR)."  Because what I crave is connection.  I don't do superficial very well.  If you want to turn me off, talk only about the weather. 

So, for me it is yet ANOTHER paradigm shifter that in order to feel connection, I have to be able to receive help.  Since I was young, I was the one who helped.  I learned that I got attention for being responsible, helpful and not asking for anything.  I thought people would love me because I did things for them or was there to help.  Like Brene Brown, I got my self-worth from never needing help and always giving it. 

Well, that has changed in the last year as well (Did everything change?  Didn't anything stay the same?).  I needed help and I had the courage to ask for it.  Probably not as much as I could have used, but it was a step to ask for it at all.  And boy did it feel good to receive it.  And I think it felt good for others to give it.  My friend Joan said it best, "For years, you've been making deposits into the karma bank.  It's now time to make a few withdrawals."  For some reason, that explanation made me feel so much better.  From the small things (bringing me food, giving a hug) to the big things (moving me into and out of my temporary housing to even providing that housing), I felt the receiving.  And I felt greater connections.  I realized (and have to continue to remember) that connection is like electricity--in order for it to work, the flow must travel in both directions. 

Component Two--Compassion--Boundaries

"The heart of compassion is really acceptance.  The better we are at accepting ourselves and others, the more compassionate we become.  Well, it's difficult to accept people when they are hurting us or taking advantage of us or walking all over us.  This research has taught me that if we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior." -Brene Brown

Okay, I'll admit that I'm writing this with a pounding headache on the morning after drinking way too much on my last night in London, before leaving to catch my flight home.  So I think it is ironic that this is about SETTING BOUNDARIES!!

When I first read the quote above in Brene's book, I went "WHA?"  It felt totally disconnected.  And, I have to admit, I really struggle with it.  And while she says things quite differently, this is what I take from it. 

If we don't set up boundaries for ourselves, we'll resent the other person, we'll start blaming them, deciding that we don't want to be around them, start thinking of them as a bad person--whatever.  THAT is the opposite of compassion.  We need to set boundaries for ourselves so that we can live in that compassionate place.  We need to set boundaries on their ACTIONS so that we don't start attacking them as a PERSON. 

Additionally, we need to hold people accountable for their actions when they impact us, rather than using shame, distance or personal attacks.  It is MUCH EASIER to go to the shame/blame/distance game than put a mirror up and ask someone to be accountable for what they did.  But if we don't, we can't be compassionate. 

Really....I'm struggling with this.   I get it, but it feels like I have to totally change a paradigm in my head for it.  First of all, I have to deal with my own worthiness issues to say that I'm important enough to put up boundaries, to hold someone accountable.  But in a way, by seeing that this is the more compassionate way, it makes it easier. 

When I look back at my marriage, I think my biggest mistake was not making it clear how unhappy I was.  I didn't want to hurt his feelings, I didn't want him to feel bad.  Really, I was justing WILLING it to get better by not addressing all my feelings.  It was too hard to look at them, analyze them and then hold them up to him.  But, of course, that would have been the more compassionate thing to do.  It may not have changed anything, but holding him accountable for his actions (and me accountable for mine), would have made it more authentic. 

Ugh.  All this would give me a headache...even if I wasn't hungover...

Component Two--Compassion

"In cultivating compassion we draw from the wholeness of our experience--our suffering, our empathy, as well as our cruelty and terror.  It has to be this way.  Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded.  It's a relationship between equals.  Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others.  Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity."  --Pena Chodron (quoted by Brene Brown)

The second tool in the journey to living a WholeHearted life is compassion.  I thought I knew a lot about compassion from my time working in summer camps and on poverty issues.  Well, according to this, I have MUCH to learn.  SO much that I have to break it into two parts.  Because there's compassion and then Brene's perspective that a big component to compassion is setting boundaries--Yikes.  More on that tomorrow.

The quote above really resonated with me.  Because, truly, my divorce is the hardest thing I've been through yet in my blessed life.  Yes, I have dysfunctions and challenges, but I was born white and upper middle class, I'm smart and goal-oriented and everything has come relatively easy to me.  My children are healthy and I am surrounded by wonderful people.  When I was trying to be compassionate with people going through troubles I was trying to be equals, but you truly can't be equal unless you've felt pain or hurt like theirs. 

I have a friend with a child with cancer.  And I have a friend who's child has a severe disability.  And I have friends who's children have died.  Baby, I don't have struggles.  A measley divorce?  Pshaw.  But for me, the divorce (and what went with it with the kids) has been painful and evoked the levels of dispair that I didn't know I could reach.  And the people who were compassionate to me were most effective when they were coming from their respective places of pain.  And I'm starting to understand that for myself.  I need to tap that, be vulnerable and open to it in order to feel compassion for others.  And of course, you can't have connection without compassion. 

So, I'm not saying that I am glad I went through this so that I could be more compassionate.  But I am saying that having gone through this will result in me being more compassionate.  See, I'm still blessed!

Component One--Courage

"Courage originally meant 'To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart.'... Ordinary courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line."  --Brene Brown

Chapter One of "The Gifts of Imperfection."  Brene Brown says that the three key tools that we need to live a Wholehearted life (a cool term--living with your heart whole, living fully, wholeheartedly) are Courage, Compassion and Connection. 

Let's explore the first one--Courage.  I actually think I'm a really brave person.  I do the big gestures that people normally associate with courage and I get a real adrenaline rush from that.  I'm one to set big audacious goals--like a triathlon or a marathon.  I am able to take big leaps--like a major career change or getting divorced.  Those take courage. 

But those aren't the courageous steps that Brene talks about.  She defines real courage as the day to day events that reveal our heart and vulnerability.  Like asking for help when you're feeling down.  Or raising your hand and saying you don't understand.  Or crying in front of someone when you feel sad.  I have to say that if that is courage--then I'm a real sissy pants.  Of course we all do that sometimes--especially in extreme situations and I certainly have relied on my friends for that.  But in day-to-day interactions, I think I can take care of myself and I don't need to turn to anyone else.  But I LOVE when people do that with me.  So what is different? 

It's the courage to risk making that connection, not caring what anyone else will think.   And for me, it is just trusting that not only is it NOT an imposition, it is a way to help yourself and help someone else at the same time.  Ironic. 

So I did it last night.  I found out that Robb is dating.  I'm happy for him, really.  But for me, it was one of those triggers that brought up emotions that I thought I had neatly packed away.  So, I turned to my friend Candy and vented and asked for advice.  And I reflected on it this morning thinking that I sounded desperate and silly--until I got her e-mail and she said exactly what I needed to hear.  And it felt good to both of us.  So, yes, coming out a couple of weeks ago took courage.  But so did just reaching out to a friend today.  They both felt good.  The second is the type of courage I can practice on a more regular basis.

A Blog?

"Don't shrink.  Don't puff up.  Stand on your sacred ground."  -Brene Brown

I've been thinking about doing a blog for awhile.  But I have struggled with the tension between feeling like I have something to say and feeling narcissistic.  But I am reading a book from Brene Brown called "The Gifts of Imperfection."  And it is rocking my world.  Paraphrasing extremely, she talks about how the idea of needing to be seen as strong, perfect and not vulnerable leads us to a life where we're not living a life full of love, belonging, connection and compassion.  She uses big scary words like "shame" and "perfectionism" to explore what gets in the way of getting those things.  While I think I've explored and improved in my quest not to be a perfectionist (I like to consider myself a "good enoughist"), I still worry way too much about what others think rather than what my soul really longs for. 

So I'm going to do this blog--part as a way to discover what I really feel.  Part as a spiritual practice to put something out there and risk you not liking it (and feeling confident in my perspectives anyway) and part as a way to connect with others who may be on their own journeys. 

Many years ago I was in a special group that studied Starhawk's Twelve Wild Swans.  Starhawk had an exercise related to the quote above.  She had us imagine several states: deflated self (which is the Shrinking state), inflated self (which is the Puff up) and Core Self (which is the self that I equate to being closest to your core spirit).  The quote above takes me back to that and is going to be my mantra for staying grounded in blog world.  Don't shrink.  Don't puff up.  Stand on your sacred ground.